When my Mom & Dad moved into the Senior Citizens High Rise and left their mobile home my Mom told me that my Dad was really down in the dumps. Hed had to give up all of his tools that hed collected through the years. He used to love to go out in the shed they had and just Putz around. Hed fix old lawn mowers and vacuum cleaners and sell them for extra money. Plus, it gave him and Mom breathing room from being together 24 hours a day. All of my Dads tools went to either my brother, my self or Josh. Mostly Josh as being the only Male Grandchild. Dad knew they were in safe hands and would be taken care of as well as hed done all of his 80 + years of life. Guys take care of their tools. Lately, Ive thought about some things of mine that would be beneficial to some people. I dont need these things much any more and either havent used them in ages or wont ever use them again. Im beginning to understand what my Dad must have gone through at that time they made their last move. I know now that it must have troubled him a lot more than what he let on to my Mom. Im torn. Not for the wrong reasons, at least I dont think so. Its not because Im hung up on the material value of something or the idea of just Giving it to someone without them buying it like you would at a garage sale. Everything that I have, I remember how much we wanted it and how hard we saved up to afford it when we got it. How it made our life better or whatever. A special memory of everything. Dumb?? The problem Im having right now is Im starting to realize that Im entering the Senior section of my life. I think that Im fighting it off somewhat too. I welcome it and dread it at the same time! Dread it out of the Fear Of The Un-known Final journey of my life that surely will come. At the same time I welcome it because I can start to Act My Age now, finally, and no one will hold it against me. LOL If they do, I can claim without reservation that I just Dont Remember. Almost always anymore, that is the truth! Giving away these material things that we (We being Lori & I) worked so hard to acquire is not the question. I always want to help my kids and family. The real statement here is that I can No Longer Do Something or Use Something. Knowing that, is one thing. Accepting it, is another. Ive been on the very top of my house roof a few times in the last couple of years. I want to tell you, it is Really Far Up! In my world of tall things, It is Very High!!! Higher than I want to go and so High that when I dream of it, it wakes me up in a panic! When Ive mentioned these trip to the top to my kids Ive heard WHAT! Dad! What are you doing getting up there???!!! Blah Blah Blah Blah. . . . Ive cleaned the conversation up a little here. Howerver, every time Im up there, on the top of the roof in the breeze, I take a moment just before going down and stand there and survey the neighborhood from way up high and, . . . . I guess, think to myself. . . Russ, this could be the last time youre ever up here again! Take a good look so you remember it. Ive done that at least twice now. Not sure if there will ever be another. Wait and see. I still have the ladders that can get me up there. You have to remember that we, again, Lori and I, actually built this house ourselves with the help of our friends and family. Me not to be on that roof????? Not allowed on that roof? Hey, I built that roof! I own that roof! I can jolly well go up there any time I want. As Cosmo Kramer said. . . I OWN the Inside of that Plate!! Yes, I own that Roof!!!! Thats my roof and is there for my pleasure! Except. . . Now, its all I can do to get the ladder out of the garage and put it up. Then, I, being afraid of heights in the first place and wearing Tri-Focal glasses, and have a vertigo problem now too. Id like to ask my kids and family. . . Can you imagine me ever getting my creeper out and rolling under my car to change the oil in the near future?? Me either. Hahaha. However, I still have a creeper in my basement. Lori bought it for me as a Christmas Present one time years ago. She probably saved for months to buy it. See what I mean. . . How in the world could I give that up! I remember the Christmas day that I opened it. (The Shape gave it away tho I have to admit). Loved it. Made my life and our familys life so much easier It was all I could do to clean out the front gutters this Fall. Im going to have to buy a taller step ladder next year. (Like Youre Going To Have A Bigger Boat!). Ive only got a 6 step ladder now and I have to stand on the very top most part that says Dont Sit Here. Thats one level above the highest step that says Dont stand on this step. Setting this up in front of the house on soft and sinky soil, and I know I have a formula for a Rusty Catastrophe! Remember when you had eyes on buying or getting your first car? Remember all those toys from when you were young that you just one day walked away from for no real reason? All the fun ones and most important ones and favorite ones. Where did they all go? Im not looking for help or advise here. Just telling the story is all. My story. Sometimes telling the story and being honest makes it look worse than it is. Im sure this is what everyone else my age faces. I just happen to put it down into words is all and share the feelings. Im caught between what I want to do and what I cant do right now in my life. At the same time, I have all of the guilt that goes with each side of the problem. Depriving another of something they could use or feeling the personal loss when it is no longer mine. Please dont judge me on this one. I really am not materialistic. I remember this next story from long ago. It even happened to use my very own name in it. Too Scary!!!! Might have been like that so Id always remember it and the meaning. Cant even begin to remember where I read it, it was so many years and years ago. It obviously left an impression on me tho since Ive remembered it this many years later. Decades Later! Read this with an open and objective mine Please. Thats the way I first read it and it had such a big and long-lasting impact on me that I can still tell the story decades later with a desire to persuade you to understand the impact. Might have seen this in Readers Digest. . . A man found a box in the back of the master bedroom closet one day that had all of his most precious things from different stages of his life. Childhood. Elementary and High School. College. His time in the military. Work stuff hed collected through the years and all kinds of awards from everything under the sun. Everything that was ever important to him and that he treasured. All together and all in one box. How Wonderful!! Life is Good! On the top of the box were the code letters, S.T.T.A.W.R.D. These were in his wifes handwriting and were obviously something that was very important that she would give it this special degree of labeling. She was known for her Excellent Degree of Organization! He asked his wife why she had collected all of his stuff and kept it all together like this for him. What a very wonderful thing to do for him! She was very reluctant to be truthful to his questions at first. However, after enough prodding tho, she thought, it will do more good than bad, and she explained it all. This is the box, where I keep all of this stuff that you hold with such a high degree of value above all other things in your life . . . . And, I labeled it with a code so I didnt hurt your feelings. But, would remember what to ultimately do with it when I move. The letters mean. . . Stuff To Throw Away When Russ Dies! So, there you have it. Not my story. Not said by my family. But, I think about it. OMG. . . Yes, I do consider this too in my thought process. I was fortunate enough to read that story so many years ago and it has had an effect on me that still makes me consider it when I think about times such as these. This, is what ultimately happens I guess. Not out of a non-caring reason but because it just has to be done. It just has to be done! All of us Older people have faced it. Weve all had to deal with it. We wish it didnt happen to our kids or anyone that we love because it really does hurt us. So. . . Rusty Smith, based on this, new, further and conclusive transitional evidence to persuade you, do you have any better attitude toward this Down-Sizing dilemma that you are facing right now? No. But, Thank You for listening to me tonight everyone! I do appreciate it! I hope that Ive told you all a story that means something important to you. I still am struggling with this all tho. I feel better by writing it down into an Open letter to myself and perhaps even my kids will read it some day. Writing it down in a place where someone might read it makes a person more accountable to be honest and true to their word. Like you were in a Confessional or on the Witness Stand in a courtroom. If you cant be honest in front of your family and friends. . . .Well, You have more problems than what you even think.
Posted on: Tue, 03 Dec 2013 04:45:20 +0000
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