While I believe what President Obama recently said about stay-at-home-moms (SAHMs) was taken out of context and overblown, it did touch on an issue that has been part of our lives since Carla and I decided to first have a child. Generally people in our community are supportive of SAHMs and that lifestyle is not uncommon, but there are still some who feel they need to be critical of Carla and of me for choosing this lifestyle. Let me first of all say that while I completely support this decision, I knew it was a decision that was Carlas alone. So contrary to the occasional criticisms of me, I did not require this of her and it is not an effort to keep her home, barefoot and pregnant or in submission to me. She would likely maintain it was a decision made by both of us and she is right, but ultimately she had the final call. Secondly, I respect the right of women to decide what they want to do with their own lives - whatever they choose - whether it be a professional career or a SAHM or something in between. I also understand that some women would love to be a SAHM but for a variety of reasons are unable to do so. The truth is, the only people I feel bad for are the people who dont get to pursue their wishes when it comes to this matter. I want to believe that the core of what President Obama was saying is that we need to fix things so that women dont get punished in their career for times when they had (or chose) to stay at home to care for their kids. If that is the intent then I think that is right, although he picked about as poor of a way to express that as possible. But let me explain WHY we chose to have one of us at home to care for our children. And let me also qualify that our wishes and decisions are not criticisms of other people; they are simply what is right for us, and what we think is best for our family: When my son was born something changed dramatically in our relationship, and from our point of view it was a great and refining change. No longer were our lives about ourselves, they were about our him and the other children we knew wed have. We knew that wed sacrifice our interests, hobbies, activities, nights and more for them. We knew we wanted to provide our children with the very best life we could; one centered around family, security, loyalty, education, religion and more. We wanted to teach them to be good people, to be compassionate and to serve their community. We wanted to teach them about how good relationships should be. We wanted to provide them with positive role models - masculine and feminine. With that shift, we knew that we had to put our very best effort into raising them. How that all works out remains to be seen. We also knew that we didnt want to surrender those responsibilities to anyone else. We believed then and continue to believe now that nobody could provide the same sort of loving care that we could provide them. So a sacrifice of additional income was made and Carla quit her job to begin to take full-time care of our son and eventually our three kids. We have felt so strongly about this that weve stuck with it even in times of difficult financial stress. I started my own business at the height of the Great Recession but rather than her picking back up her career, weve sacrificed Christmases, entertainment, travel and even a meal or two here and there. But we want this for our kids and we feel extraordinarily blessed to be able to do so, fully aware of people everywhere who would like to do the same thing but simply cant. We are also aware that people dont find the same fulfillment in it that we do. We love the security our kids feel knowing that when they come home from school someone is waiting for them. That they always have a safe place to come and be who they are in home filled with love that we believe we as their parents can best provide for them. We love the advantage that comes with their education. Carla is a former educator and she pushes and challenges our kids. She makes their lives and learning fun. We think this bears fruit as we see them excel in school. They are naturally bright kids, but certainly they excel because she has given them a leg up. Our kids seem to be well-adjusted; they know what our values are; they are already exceptional human beings. The days are often exhausting for Carla, but also filled with joy. She gets to witness the milestones which often makes me jealous. I get to come home and hear her recount the cute, funny and amusing things our kids do. Carla also has a special relationship with each one of them. She has an innate ability to nurture them that I certainly dont possess. I admire her seemingly endless patience. Motherhood is a skill that comes naturally to her. Now having said all of these things I want to reiterate again, what is right for us is not for everyone. I also believe that what works because of this decision can be achieved in different ways for other families. It isnt to say that you cant love, teach or nurture your children in different ways with the same and better results. I also admire greatly the single mom or dad who works all day and comes home and does all of these same things but after hours. Life isnt always ideal, in fact rarely it is. Carlas mom had her father pass away when she was 8. To me I can see no greater demonstration of love than to think of her mom who worked all day and came home at night exhausted, but still cared for and provided for her three kids as a widow. There are so many other stories. But we also believe that many of societal ills are a result of parents who neglect their duties to their children or pursue selfish pursuits. Most of that is their own doing, but some of it is also because popular society often places more value in career advancement and material things causing some people to value the same things, or believe they need to live by those same standards. We find trends that devalue the importance of motherhood and fatherhood disturbing. To us there is no greater title than Mom and Dad. I suspect that the leader of the free world probably feels the same way. But the bottom line is this: We feel this is the best thing for us and our kids. It is a gift we can uniquely give to them. Not for one second do either of us regret it. We arent ashamed of it. To us it is the very best thing about us. Would we like nicer cars, or a bigger home or even a break from it all once in a while? Sure, but we would never trade it. I think weve proven that not only in word but in deed, time and time again. Our family is the single most important thing for us, and this is how we choose to manifest it. That is where we invest our time, talents and money. We hope that society will look for more ways to reinforce families and gives opportunity to live the way we do if someone chooses. And so for us, no matter how you slice it, being a stay-at-home-mom is certainly not something to for anyone to look down upon.
Posted on: Wed, 05 Nov 2014 00:33:25 +0000
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