While everyone is starting to become aware once again on the topic of depression and mental disorders... let me say that it means a lot to me that there are so many people who want to understand more. I have suffered from Bipolar Disorder and depression my entire life. So has my mom and many other members of my family. I have sat on the bathroom floor many nights, a loved one on the other side of the locked door, begging me to come back outside. I remember so many times trying to explain how it felt, through tears and sometimes, Im very ashamed to say, with blood on my hands.... and it never comes out right. Ever. Can you imagine how frustrating that is? To have these over powering feelings that cant be shared? And the guilt... so much guilt... of putting people you love through your insanity? I have lost loved ones because of this, many times. Most of my suicidal thoughts in the past came from considering how much pain I was putting everyone in my life through. Some people contemplate death because of a complete lack of feeling. Some people cut to feel. Some people (like myself) cut to focus and block out extreme moments of anxiety. I am happy to say that, for the time being, I am emotionally stable and have not cut or thought about suicide in a long while (though never long enough). One thing I ask for personally is to not look at someone who is naturally on the more emotional end of the spectrum and see them as weaker than anyone else. It took me a long time to realize that is a poor stereotype to excuse people from having to understand. Allowing yourself to feel everything completely and not hide it is strength. There is a balance, of course, but feelings are not a weakness. Thanks for reading. I hope this sheds some light on things and maybe helps you guys understand me little better too. I love you all. Shout out to my mom, Krissie, who battles with anxiety and depression and still has strength to give all of her love to my sister and I. That is a strong person.
Posted on: Tue, 12 Aug 2014 18:54:17 +0000
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