Whos ready to read a novel? I know a lot of you might be wondering what is going on with me health wise. A lot of you already know. I have been pretty private about my struggles since I had surgery due to my cancer back in April. Let me backtrack a little bit. I was in a very bad place when I found out I had cancer. After everything that I had already been through with the brain tumors, the hydrocephalus, the POTS and my heart, ALL of the health issues that have torn my body up for the past few years, I was done. Just done. The cancer was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak. While I was crying and losing myself more and more everyday, I put on a brave face for all of my friends and family (all of you) because I did not want to stress you all out anymore. I didnt want the looks of pity that come with being terminally ill for going on 3 years. I isolated myself from a lot of people in real life. I rarely have seen my best friends of 20 years. Rarely talk to anyone. I dont even talk to a lot of my family unless they call me first. But I joined a mom group here on Facebook and I met so many wonderful women. FINALLY... a place where I could talk to people who didnt have to know all my personal health struggles in real life. The weakness and repulsiveness I saw in myself. A clean slate. And these women were wonderful. When I wanted to talk, they were there. I didnt share how bad things were. I didnt tell them about all of the problems I had. Until I made a smaller group of friends on that group and I trusted them with everything. When Id get bad news at a doctors appointment Id come online and I would talk to them. They knew everything. But then it turned out that they were not who I thought that they were. Some of the girls in the group who were amazing started a private group without my knowledge to try to do something nice for me when it came out how sick I was in the past month. The girls who I thought were my friends in the small group got mad, turned psychotic, became jealous that these girls were trying to do something nice. They turned on me so hard. They posted my personal information all over the internet. They posted my ADDRESS on the internet and my full name knowing full well that I have a stalker ex who is in prison for trying to hire a hitman to kill my husband. All of this spitefulness. Perhaps the worst thing they did though, was claim that I was never sick at all. Now I have to tell you all what I have been keeping so private. I didnt want to have to but because of the actions of these girls, I know it will come out eventually. They have taken their Facebook drama into my real life. Spreading lies about me, interfering in my personal life in ways you cannot imagine and I will not even go into. I dont want anyone I care about to find out what is going on with me because of THEM. You guys know I have been battling cancer since last year and have been treated for this, had a hysterectomy due to it, and that I also previously had brain tumors and hydrocephalus and shunt surgery. Well, my hydrocephalus is out of control. My shunt is no longer doing its job. There is nothing that my doctors can do about it. Without some sort of intervention with this hydrocephalus I will be (and HAVE BEEN) in the worst pain you could ever imagine. In addition to this, the hydrocephalus untreated will lead to another stroke, coma, and ultimately death. I have not been able to find a neurologist or neurosurgeon to treat me because of the condition my body is in because of the cancer treatment, all the surgeries Ive had, the heart condition (POTS) which is the thing that almost prevented me from having the previous surgeries as you all may remember. I could stroke at any time due to the pain and I have been hospitalized 3 times in the past two weeks because of pain and because they were worried that I was about to stroke out. It could happen at at any time and I will not be as lucky as I was the last time. I have been having memory issues. Issues processing thoughts and words. Vision problems. Personality changes. The kids have been with my parents more than 50% of the time due to this. Steve has had to basically parent me. My mom came to take care of me because at this point I am most times an equal to my children. I am weak, I am sick, and I am in unimaginable pain. The girls I met in the mom group are 99% amazing. The 1% are psychotic. The amazing girls set up that group to do nice things for my family as I have donated to every single fundraiser ever posted in those groups (You guys know me, I always have some sort of cause for someone else that I am pushing) and they took notice. They think that I am a giving person worthy of good things and they are the ones who have been sending me flowers and edible arrangements and trying to fight off these mean girls who have tried to basically ruin my life. I am sorry to have to tell all friends and family at once and in this manner and that to explain it all it had to be a novel for you to read. I am not doing well and I cant pretend that everything is okay anymore. Any shred of privacy I had tried to keep has been destroyed anyway, so I am coming out with it now. I had to stop working and go back on disability because I couldnt look at the computer screen for 10 hours a day and I also am not able to hold normal conversations a lot of the time due to pain and just basically brain damage that is hindering my speech and my vision and my memory. We are actively searching for a neurology/neurosurgery team to take me on. In the meantime they are keeping me comfortable with pain management. I have been told that I am going to die or that I dont have very long left for almost 3 years now. I have been told that my issues are far too serious for me to overcome so many times in those 3 years. This is sadly one of those times. I have been so in my emotions and sadness lately that I have felt like sitting down and accepting this. The things done to me this past week were so cruel that there were times I even WISHED that death would hurry up and get here. But then I look at those boys. I see how worried they are. They know EVERYTHING. Although we tried to shield them from seeing or knowing too much they saw everything. We had to tell them what is going on. They are devastated. Riley is acting out. James is more resilient but he just doesnt really understand as well. Please keep them in your thoughts. Because of those boys and because I know that the 1% dont matter, I am writing all of this. To let you know whats going on. To out myself as sick. To tell vow to you now that from this moment forward I will not let the horrible actions of others affect me. I will not let those doctors tell me anything is impossible or that this is my fate. I WILL stand up and fight. I will be the person that I was before. I will see my boys graduate high school, get married, have babies. If we have to go to the other side of the world with nothing but the clothes on our backs to find help, thats what we are going to do. I know I have so many people who love me. I WILL NOT GIVE UP. On the days I cannot find it in myself to fight for myself, I will turn to you. And I know you will be there. No more hiding anything. No more feeling sorry for myself. I am ready for another fight. A fight for my life. So BRING IT ON.
Posted on: Mon, 29 Sep 2014 00:46:19 +0000
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