Why I Am/Am Not a Mechanical Genius, Part 32 Why I Am/Not a Mechanical Genius Usually I reserve that title for times that I destroy a mechanical or electronic something by using it or trying to fix it. Case in point: when I bought our younger daughters Mazda station wagon, there was a CD in the player. I pressed what I thought was right button. It wouldnt come out. Thats funny, I thought, Alyssa didnt say anything about the CD player having a problem. I fussed and fumed with it and finally got some needle nosed pliers to drag the recalcitrant piece of plastic kicking and screaming from its cave. Being a gentle, caring father, I decided I didnt care if I destroyed her CD (I assumed it was hers). So, I grabbed the CD with the needle nose and pulled hard. No luck. Tried again, this time more forcibly. Nada. I thought of what my dad, a mechanical genius, would do in the situation. Usually he says something like We need a bigger hammer. I think hes kidding, but I was willing to try anything. So I got a HUGE screwdriver to help with the removal. I knew I would probably take out a shattered hunk plastic, but consequences be darned. It was full speed ahead. I literally braced my feet on the dashboard and pulled for all I was worth. I got nothin. Reduced to desperation, I did what no self-respecting American male would do (whispers): I read the owners manual. Yes, I am ashamed to admit it, but sometimes desperate times require reading the owners manual. If any of you want to defriend me because of that, I understand. Ill weep rivers, but they will be tears of self-loathing. It has been nice knowing you in the 2-D (and 3-D) world. If you have children in the future, name one of them after me so I wont be totally forgotten. If you have children now, change one of their names to mine. Ill pay for it. Boy or girl, it doesnt matter. If its a girl, you can call her Dani. I know a Dani who is a sweet lady and a wonderful writer, so youd be doing yourself and all of us a favor by doing this. Ill pay the legal costs. Reading the manual showed me I was pushing the wrong button. I pressed it lightly with my little finger and out popped my Greatest Polka Hits (both of them) CD! I dont know how it got there, but Alyssa would sooner sit through a Neil Diamond concert than be caught with a polka CD. [(Please dont burn Katy Perry CDs on her front lawn (you cant because she doesnt HAVE a front lawn. I do, but please dont burn Gordon Lightfoot CDs on the front lawn which I DO have)]. [Side bar (not that this piece doesnt consist almost entirely of side bars already): its so much less satisfying to write burn a Partridge Family CD than burn a KC and the Sunshine Band RECORD. (If you enjoy the music of any of these fine artists I have accidentally disparaged, you know what NOT to do. Thank you)]. I came back to church after lunch yesterday to find a woman locked out of her car. She was just about hysterical and couldnt afford to call a locksmith, and so I got out the wire coat hanger I carry, although it only works about half the time because car locking systems are design to thwart guys like me with coat hangers. She had a Mazda 6 sedan about the same year as my wagon, so I was familiar the options for locking (and unlocking ) the car: with a key, with a fob and with lock buttons below the inside door handle and with a button on a panel above the door handle. Obviously, choices one and two were locked inside the car; option three nearly impossible to pop short of having a locksmiths tools. I studied the situation and saw that the drivers side window was down about 2 1/2 inches to hold down the heat buildup. With the right tool, I could have punched the button on the drivers side, but I didnt have any such animal with me, and the sun was blazing hotter and hotter. Then it occurred to me that I could take a long stick and easily hit the button on the passenger side. Thirty seconds to break off a tree limb (just fooling with you, outside flower and tree ladies of the church), and tap the offending piece of plastic. Every lock on the car snapped open with one of the most welcome sounds in the world if you’re locked out and the asphalt is slowly parboiling the soles of everyone’s feet through the soles of their shows. Voila! Encore un fait accompli and other French phrases. And thats why I am a mechanical genius, if anyone asks. Wait for it…wait for…
Posted on: Wed, 09 Jul 2014 15:34:28 +0000
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