Why I stayed. There was never a bruise anyone could see on my body. No black eyes. No broken bones. Yet the type of abuse I endured caused bruises to be sure. I had never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder before, and certainly never of something called “gaslighting”. But they are real, they happened, and they hurt like hell. My brain was a mess. My heart a wreck. My perceptions and judgments thrown for a loop. At the time, I made all sorts of excuses for what was happening: the epic explosions, the devious behaviors, the cryptic insults, the overt berating, the delusional and hateful comments. I know now the behaviors have medical names and what I lived through can be summed up as abuse. But at the time I didn’t, and instead wrote it off to his stressful new job, his difficult family situation, or any number of other things I found to try to “explain” what was happening and try to make sense of it. I kept most of what was happening to myself: too confused and embarrassed and bruised to understand that I need help and I needed out. After all, I am a strong woman. I certainly couldn’t be the victim of domestic abuse. Could I? Why I didn’t stay. I look back now and see myself as the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water. But just as the pot began to boil, I finally left. I left with the help and support of a small group of friends who held my hands and my heart and promised me I would get through what was to come. An affair on his part was what finally woke me up. I look back now and I am embarrassed that it took me so long, and took such an event to finally force me to think more rationally. But it did, and it forced me to finally take action, and I got out. My nightmare didn’t end with the break-up. The pot boiled and escalated for months – much of it in the public eye by his hand – extending my nightmare to the very brink for me. While a close cadre of friends continued to hold my hands and heart, others shrunk back, not knowing what to make of the situation or what to do. Mine wasn’t the type of abuse many understand or want to talk about – including me. It was a period of life I had never at once felt so loved and so alone at once. It’s now been nearly three years since I said “no more”. Through years of counseling, lots of crying, a lot of confusion, and a ton of rebuilding, I am back. While I carry deep scars inside from what happened, and will still for years to come, I am stronger and wiser now, and have promised myself never again. As a part of my healing process, I have pledged to use my experiences to reach out and help others – to help them understand their situations, navigate a solution right for them, and help them through the darkest times until they, too, see sunshine so bright it dawns a new day. Read more at selfcarehaven.wordpress/2014/07/21/five-powerful-ways-abusive-narcissists-get-inside-your-head/ and thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/. Get help at thehotline.org/ or call 1-800-799-7233. Reach out to me. Reach out to a friend. Be a friend. Reach out. Be understanding. Be strong for them. Don’t judge. Don’t assume. Learn more.
Posted on: Wed, 10 Sep 2014 19:11:33 +0000
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