With all the great new superhero films, TV shows, and cartoons around nowadays - Its easy to forget what we were stuck with just a few decades ago. Just for fun, Im going to dissect an episode of the 1979 Spider Woman series... Spider Woman Episode Five: Draculas Revenge. - The episode opens in a graveyard in Transylvania, where two grave-robbers break into Draculas tomb hoping to make millions by putting the famous vampires coffin on display. It has apparently been sealed for centuries - and nobody has tried this before? - The grave-robbers easily lift the lid of the coffin, freeing Dracula, who promptly exclaims At last! Im free after 500 years! I suppose opening the lid was the one escape plan he never thought of. - Dracula chases the thieves, but before he can attack them, Spider Woman shows up to stop him. Those guys were SO lucky she just happened to be wandering through a Transylvanian cemetery. - After saving the grave-robbers, Spider Woman decides not to pursue the vampire, because she already has plans to go to a movie with her boyfriend and nephew (back in New York). No, seriously - she doesnt even seem to think its a tough choice. - During her date, Jessica Drew (Spider Woman) has a psychic vision of Dracula up to more shenanigans, so she leaves the movie to go after him, telling her companions shes going for more popcorn. NOW she thinks Dracula is important? - Meanwhile, Dr. Van Helsing is throwing a dinner party at Castle Dracula, which his family apparently moved into after defeating Dracula a few hundred years back (and by defeated, I mean they closed him in his coffin and hoped he wouldnt think to try the lid). - Drac wastes no time showing up to spoil dinner, and changes everyone into vampires by shooting green rays from his hands (Im not making this up). Never fear, Spider Woman arrives at the castle, which is presumably back in Transylvania... She does know thats about a 5000 mile trip from New York, right? - Spider Woman boldly declares shes come to free Dracs victims. She zaps Drac with a venom bolt, and he flees. She then attempts to help the vampires victims... Oh, wait... no she doesnt. She never even glances at them, instead worrying that she might be missed (from her date) if she doesnt head back. Awesome prioritizing, Jessica. - She returns just as the movie is getting out (yes, a round trip of approximately 10,000 miles before the movie was over - must be a Peter Jackson film). Her date and nephew seem only mildly curious that she left for popcorn and never returned. She apologizes, and tells them they need to get her newspapers helicopter (shes a reporter) and travel to Transylvania to investigate a tip about a vampire... Wait, what? Didnt she just get back moments ago? So, she abandoned her mission, flew 5000 miles back to New York to avoid an awkward social faux-pas, and now she wants to bring her boyfriend and a child with her to confront the vampire? Oh-kaaaaay. - Meanwhile back in Transylvania, Drac has dug up (literally) his old pal The Wolfman. Jessica and her helpless companions arrive in their helicopter (about an 11-hour flight Id guess), and go to investigate Dracs tomb. Jeff (the boyfriend) and her pre-teen nephew opt to go first because its no place for a woman. Yes, thats correct, super-powered Spider Woman needs to protect her secret identity, even at the cost of putting her non super-powered loved ones in mortal danger. When she finally decides to see if theyre okay (inside the dark vampires tomb she allowed them to enter alone), she finds them turned into werewolves. Werewolves with laser vision. Honest. - Drac and the wolfman show up, and everyone shoots energy beams at each other for a while. Eventually Spider Woman gets blasted by the wolfman and Drac at once, paralyzing her. Drac and Wolfie wander off to dig up Frankenstein, after which they all wander the countryside turning peasants into minions. Drac makes more vampires with his green hand-beams. The wolfman turns people into werewolves with his eye-lasers (?), and Frankenstein shoots electric blasts from his neck-bolts that turn villagers into... Other Frankenstein monsters? For real?? Yep - bolts and stitches and all. - Look, I could continue, I could prolong the pain, but who would that benefit? Suffice to say, Spider Woman defeats the three monsters and saves the day. If you guessed it involves a stupid and senseless solution, I assure you, you cant even imagine the depths of idiocy, the utter absence of logic, and baffling lack of continuity that drags the episode along to its inane finale. Fortunately, you dont have to imagine it - Ive linked to the full episode, see for yourself. I know many of you wont - youre the lucky ones. A precious handful of my geekiest friends will attempt to watch it, and a few will succeed in reaching the end. Heaven help you.
Posted on: Wed, 12 Nov 2014 04:08:15 +0000
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