Woke up this morning at 5:30am...No reason...Fiddled around a little and laid back down and slept till 9:30am. Got up and walked and fed the critters and put on a pot of spaghetti sauce in the crockpot and made some cole slaw and just felt so bad I went back to bed again...Finally got up and out of the bed around 12:30. Just wasnt feeling too good today... Well...Spent most of the day just lying around...Never got in the shower...Didnt care if I did. It was so quiet around here...Gave me a lot of time to think...Not always a good thing. Been listening to the pouring rain for a while.... I know that when God sent Keith my way he knew just what I needed...He is so different that anyone I ever knew...in all good ways! And we both had lives with others before we met each other...Only I think its a little harder for him because I was with Chuck for so many years...And he died...we didnt get divorced. I try not to talk about him much but I do sometimes...As Keith also talks about his ex. One of the things I love about Keith is he allows me to talk about anything with him...We are able to have real conversations...I am able to express my feelings without being condemned or judged. I know some things he hears me say are hard for him to hear sometimes... I missed seeing him and talking to him today...We did talk on the phone a little... I missed having someone here with me today when I wasnt feeling good...Just to check on me and say Are you okay? Can I do anything? Can I get you anything? I guess that sounds a little silly...And I suppose most people would rather be alone when they dont feel good...But I miss someone wrapping their arms around me and making me feel safe when I dont feel good...just miss it...knowing someone is there for you that loves you... Then I said I wasnt gonna eat any of that spaghetti sauce I cooked...Was just gonna let it finish and put it up for another day...But I decided to...And it was good. But it also made me think of times past...Cause Chuck would raise hell with me if I broke the spaghetti...He liked to twirl it on a fork with a spoon...I never could just sit down and enjoy spaghetti after that...But the kids all loved it...so I cooked it just about every week. It was the first time I had cooked it since he had been gone...And I used the short linguine...He woulda raised hell about it! But one thing that Keith has constantly reminded me of is I dont have to have permission to do what I want to do...Even though after years of it...I still feel like I do...But I dont have to anymore...And it was good! And I didnt cry when I ate it like I did the first time I cooked chicken and yellow rice...Im getting much better...Its about time! Spent too much time in the past today...And decided to dream about what I wanted my future to be like. But I think its better not to sit and dream about the future and be happy and content with whatever God sends my way...HEs been so good to me...I should just appreciate every little thing! I finally gave in and started on a round of prednisone...Hope this will be what I finally need to do to get to feeling better! Cant take too many days of all this thinking! ;)
Posted on: Mon, 11 Aug 2014 02:06:42 +0000
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