Woke up yesterday morning and looked in the mirror and couldn’t help noticing that my teeth had all gone rusty. I found this quite worrying. If I were a robot I imagine it would be very worrying indeed. But I am not a robot. And let me be quite clear, I have nothing against robots, you have to be so careful about what you say these days, robots are fine specimens of…erm…robothood and I’ve nothing against them at all. It just so happens I am not one. Nevertheless, I was worried. Especially when I noticed my right hand was going very rusty too. When you’re my age and you’ve come through all life’s nonsense with your dignity more or less intact you don’t expect to suddenly start corroding, however much you optimistically reason you might save on suntan lotion. I didn’t know whether I should go to the chemist or to the local hardware store. In the end I elected to go to casualty. When I say ‘elected’ I mean ‘chose’ really, there wasn’t any sort of ballot with booths and stuff or anything like that. Maybe that’s obvious but I think it’s best to be clear. On that subject, why are politicians always saying, ‘Look, let me be clear…’? Has anybody EVER gone up to a politician and tried to STOP them being clear by insisting that they only say things that are unintelligible and obscure? Actually, after watching Newsnight the other night, perhaps I should conclude they have. Anyway, it was the usual experience at casualty. I sat there with my oxidising dentures surrounded by kids with saucepans stuck on their heads, some bloke who seemed to think he ought to have priority because a chisel had gone right through his hand and out the other side, a man who had to hop because he’d accidentally staple-gunned his left ankle to his right knee and a nun who’d accidentally cut off her left foot with a strimmer but had managed to pick it up and place it in a polythene bag with an ice-pack and kept moaning about the fact that it was an usually hot day and the ice was melting (there’s always one, isn’t there, everybody whinges about the awful weather and then when it actually gets nice somebody still complains, no pleasing some.) Anyway after what I understand was a relatively small wait of about fourteen hours or so I got to see a doctor. Imagine how foolish I felt when it was pointed out to me I’d been eating Doritos.
Posted on: Thu, 24 Jul 2014 09:29:57 +0000
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