Working from home is different. Tonight I have worked for hours and accomplished more than I thought possible in such a short time. As I work I look back at old memories that I know will haunt me forever. Working all night is the only thing to do for a person who has strained as much as I have to protect what I love most. I will work myself out of the deepest rut I have ever fallen into. So many people attempt to label me as unfit in some way or another. When someone chooses work as their primary hobby they become a work-a-holic which is what I am right now in my life. I have been a work-a-holic since I started working at 16. Watching as people i worked so hard to gain the approval of walk out of my life all having betrayed me I am left with the people that matter most. It is a challenge to maintain sanity and stay productive during trying times like these but nothing will break the neutrality of my mindset. No matter what is going on in my life or how trying the time is I stay productive. One of the things I seek to prove is that medication is not necessary to control emotions all that is needed is willpower. If anyone would dig as deeply down into themselves as they possibly could than the willpower to do anything becomes possible. I will myself into a state of neutral productivity and fend off the formation of mental illness despite being in a situation likely to cause mental problems in the average person. The destruction stopped at my emotions after blackening my heart but my brain was never permanently effected. Still even after all of the hell of it all the only thing I have done about it is post facebook statuses. Communication is the most important part of being the member of any species without it confusion creates misunderstandings. I want nobody to misunderstand that I am good and able to take this hit as low as it is. At no time have I lost my sanity and will never lose it. Depression does not effect me even when I should be down in the dumps somehow I remain positive enough to keep going. No matter how much I write out nothing can ever really describe just how deep what happened has hurt me. But no matter how badly I am ever hurt on an emotional level being violent or seeking revenge will never cross my mind. So many men and women have been driven into mental illness as a result of pathological lying or a bad marriage in the past. Someone who weaves webs of lies does not understand just how much damage those lies are doing to the person that believes them. Holding lies over the head of another person causes mental illness to form where there was no illness before. Thank God I was spared from becoming infected with a mental illness during the procession of all of these damaging events. What saved me is seeing it happen to others in the past. The fact remains that no matter how upset I am at what is happening my intentions will always be to ensure the best for the woman I took under my wing. I had to try as best as I could to make sure that I created the thickest possible wall against harmful things and her. To prevent harm physical harm or mental harm from coming to the people I love is my goal and always has been. A man has to fight some terrible battles and say what seem like terrible things sometimes to get people to stop hurting themselves and hurting others but in the end even if a person completely makes himself look as dumb as possible at least all that humiliation was for a purpose. Nobody will ever change the permanent protective stance I take towards my wife or ex wife whatever. I could never harm a woman I love I would only harm anyone that would harm her. Even knowing the fact that she cannot be mine I cannot become angry enough to wish harm on her. I will stand guard forever against anyone who would be against her or want to harm her. As I grow into the powerful force I am becoming I will not misuse any of the abilities that come with the influx of great wealth to seek any kind of revenge or engage in any stalkerish behavior. I always said I wanted her to be happy with or without me and I meant it. I hope that one day the love could be resurrected and my family restored but it seems now that this outcome has become impossible. Acceptance is the final stage if a traumatic experience and acceptance is the stage I have reached now. I have 8 years to use the cyber stalking data to prove my case but what good will it do if the mind of the person who was being cyber stalked has already been irrevocably altered? Money is worthless to me I could sue but for what a bunch of dollars? There are some things money cannot buy and time cannot heal and I am unfortunate enough to have lost one of those things. But the point is every last thing I have done has been to watch out for and to protect someone. That is the reason I do everything I do for people around me is to help them. I see myself as better than nobody I just want to turn evil into good. I give people advice to empower them with knowledge not to preside over them or to be high and mighty. I tried to throw a spear of light into a dark mass and cause it be reversed in polarity. Sometimes it is impossible to turn a really bad situation into a good situation. Some situations are so dark that all light disappears inside it a shadow so thick that even the brightest light beam cannot penetrate the thickness of it.
Posted on: Wed, 18 Sep 2013 10:14:08 +0000
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