Wow! I slept almost all night in addition to the 3 hour nap I took yesterday! I think sometimes our body has to take control of the wheel when it knows it can’t go any further without the much needed rest and sleep. Ronnie seems much better today so maybe the relief from the stress of Thanksgiving and the fact it’s over is the reason, not sure but I’ll take whatever enables him to smile and not see the burden of sadness which looks like it will break him. The holiday season and the stress it normally brings must be multiplied by millions for anyone who is drowning in grief, but to be a broken hearted mommy or daddy I think the multiplication factor must increase by billions. By this time of year in my BCD life, I would be figuring out how many paychecks were left before Christmas! Today I am figuring out how many days until it is over and we can breath again. I have never enjoyed Christmas shopping, it makes me crazy (o.k. Brian Joseph: “crazier”!), not even when the kids were little did it excite me. I always tried so hard to make sure we spent equal amounts on each child. One year I put $1.59 in Brian’s bank because that is how much more I spent on Corrie……OCD….probably! Or trying to find that “toy of the season” that I THOUGHT they needed. Don’t get me wrong, I always loved to see their beautiful little faces when they opened the gift they never thought they would get. Their eyes lit up and little voices just squealed with joy. Of course that all stopped when the toys were replaced by money and gift cards. This year it is my plan to not only survive Christmas, but I am going to try so hard not to ruin Brian, Emily and Elena’s Christmas. It should be a day of joy not sadness, so maybe God will allow Sybil to take a hike for just that one day!. We will have our little family’s Christmas the Saturday after the 25th due to Brian’s work schedule. Christmas Eve was always when my mom celebrated our Christmas and I carried that tradition over to my little family so this year we will have to mix it up some. Ronnie and I will spend time with my cousin and his family so we will still share it with family, and on Christmas Day spend it with more family when we go to the Talken Christmas. I am trying to come up with different ideas on how to make new traditions that will include Corrie’s memory. Haven’t come up with anything yet but I will. I have decided to put up our family Manger. No Christmas tree because I simply cannot face the memories that wait for me in the ornament box. This is a big step for me because I was determined not to put up anything for Christmas…once again, Yay me…ugh. Yesterday, after Mass, I went to the cemetery while the weather was so nice and put her Christmas flowers on her grave. They look gorgeous next to that shiny black stone. Thank you my wonderful friend Van Fisher for taking the ugly arrangements I made and transforming them into bouquets of beauty that Corrie deserves!! I sat down and talked to Corrie like I do on beautiful days and asked her if she liked her flowers….it then occurred to me that once again while she “sleeps” I do the Christmas decorating. I said this aloud to her and I swore I heard that little turd laughing. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK BABY GIRL. I try to envision how magnificent Christmas will be in Heaven, especially since my baby is back home with the Lord she so loved, but my human mind and shattered spirit just can’t comprehend how happy and wonderful it must be. I hope Corrie will want to join us for a little while when we are together for our Christmas. We are a family, it is my belief there is no perfect family, we have each other’s backs but most of all we have each other’s hearts and because of that we will survive this…..we may not want to survive on some days, but that is when God who has our hearts and souls will place my fractured little family in his loving hands carrying us and softly whispering to hang on, HIS will and plan for us will make sense, HE won’t let us fall and that is WHY I believe we will survive the death of one of His most beautiful, loving and ornery little girls He has ever created, our Corrie Belle. Be safe on the slick roads today. Romans 12:2 - Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence do not rely; In all your ways be mindful of him, and he will make straight your paths. My challenge is to search your hearts to see if there is room in your family to adopt a pet from one of the local shelters, or if you have some time to volunteer at one of these shelters. These beautiful animals are also God’s creations and I know if not for my chubby little Granddog Chandler, these past soon to be 5 months would have been even worse for me. I can’t count the time I cried in his fur and left mascara all over him! Just a thought but only if you can keep them inside and love on them past their puppy or kitty stage. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS and Unicorns.
Posted on: Mon, 01 Dec 2014 14:00:21 +0000
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