Wow.....the highs and the lows. If only I could crawl into Johns brain and understand the switch ....the switch that causes the lights to completely go black.... Yesterday started off to me awesome. I arranged for my oldest daughter ( staying with me for the weekend ) to watch John early morning as I went out for a beautiful 10 mile run with a great friend. For those of you who dont know me- I am a runner. I am getting ready to run my 5th Marathon this fall. I found running to be therapy....an escape of my reality for a few hours. My friend and I ran for 10 miles while we vented about our lives. She lost her son to cancer at the age of 3. We often discuss the stressors we live with daily regardless of the smiles we put on our face. Acute stress, chronic stress, acutely chronic stress...whatever ...its still stress that surpasses normal limits. She is forever broken as am I.....we both are bonded by eternal pain that we can only understand. Although, I will admit ...we often have runs when this topic is not even brought up...we often use this time to just not think... As always, I finish my blissful run and rush home. I call my daughter Allie ...no answer....ugh...I call her 3 more times...no answer. I did not receive any messages so this is either a great thing or a terrible thing. I get home to find Allie laying on the floor, pushing John on his indoor swing....They were both so happy. Allie told me the morning went well. John kinda broke a glass candle holder.....eh....whatever they both had smiles on their faces....I ran .....a double win:) Allie begs for me to relieve her as she was holding in her urine for over an hour.....haha ...welcome to my world. John happily jumps off his swing and seems so so so so happy.....I ask him if he would like to go out for a walk. He shook his head a BIG YES...so off we went..... After our walk we came home...I made him lunch and we spent the rest of the day poolside. John is an awesome swimmer....I mean awesome. Deep end, diving down for toys, floating on his back in 10 feet of water....he LOVES the pool and I LOVE watching him enjoy himself doing something just so......normal. While I sit with John the world continues to turn around me. My girls went out shopping, my boyfriend wen on a 2 hour bike ride....and I sit ....in Johns world- unable to escape. Sometimes I get lonely. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I relish the peacefulness of his laughter..... Late afternoon approaches. I continue my never ending cycle of, John do you have to go pee-pee?. John are you hungry?......He jumps to attention when I mention food- so we head inside to eat. 2 grilled cheese sandwiches ( gluten free, dairy free). He eats, sings happy noises, watches Barney and seems like he is the happiest guy in the world until.........BAM the switch turns off. The sparkle in his eye dissipates, the smile turns to an angry frown, happy sounds turn to angry yells...... John whats the matter? John stood up from his chair and spits in my face. ( He started this spitting thing this year ). Oh no John that wasnt nice.....Now he runs off screaming, flailing, flipping chairs, banging his head on every wall, punching himself in the face with such force I swear he will break his facial bones someday. I try to help.....I try to hug him and comfort what seems to be internal distress. He is too big- he attacks me so violently. My dress gets torn, my arms get scratched.....my heart gets bruised the worst. I put him in his safe bed to avoid further attacks. He screams for over 2 hours. The rest of the night was a blur.... I walked outside alone. Poured a glass of wine and just sat. Defeated. Exhausted. Broken. Scared. Worried. Sick..... I become an empty shell. Unable to give emotionally to anyone. My supportive boyfriend Ray sits by, knowing he can offer nothing but his understanding..... Autism won.....as it does every time. The clock says 9 pm. Bedtime for John. He goes not his bed with very little fight- probably exhausted from his hours of screaming....Ill take it. Deep breath.....its over.....just for the night.
Posted on: Sun, 06 Jul 2014 12:08:16 +0000