Wowee, what a mixed bag today was. I had a bad dream, and woke up crying. I was tired all day, but thats my stupid fault for not being able to wind down and fall asleep early enough. I have been adopting a new approach on everything including my behaviour, attitude, the tone of my voice, eye contact and listening, and also toning down the volume of my voice. I have been learning new things about myself, and have realised I can make a change and old habits can be left in the past, and it is getting easier by the day. I wish I hadnt re opened my welfare file, as its too upsetting for me to read it. I saw the Doc today and he said I look a lot happier, and he noticed I aint talking as fast as usual. Then I went and saw my counsellor, and she said she also noticed that I wasnt talking as fast, I was listening, my eye contact is getting better, I aint talking as loud and I aint fidgeting or biting my nails or looking at the ground when she eye contacts me. I handed her my welfare file, and she was gobsmacked at how big it is, and is going to read it and hand a copy to the shrink who I am due to see again in 2 weeks. I have been given a referral to a local Psychologist, who is going to help me with my lack of confidence, self esteem, controlling the tone of my voice, learning better communication skills, and getting on top of anxiety and needing reassurance all the time, and to be independent instead of being dependent on people. So I will be getting help for each area I lack in from various professionals, and this will result in me being the best person I can. I am starting to see a light at the end of my tunnel, and I am starting to feel relief as I had almost given up and thought I was a lost cause. They think I am a very smart person, just never learnt the skills I should of learnt when I was growing up such as being independent, and thinking for myself and loving myself and being confident etc The report the shrink wrote mentions I have insecurities which have pushed my wife away, and that I have always suffered from being abandoned through different stages of life which has made me doubt myself and always seek reassurance. They want to help me establish a wise mind and manage my anxiety and distress tolerance, and by using my strengths establish a better degree of wellbeing. The report was very interesting and sums me up quite well. I am starting to get a better grasp of why I act the way I do and cant help it, but when I used to tell people I couldnt help it, they never believed me and thought I was making excuses or playing games, but I know I dont do that. But past few days I have learnt to adapt to new techniques and change old habits, and I am starting to feel better for it. My upbringing has a lot to do with how I am, and certain peoples influences has made me into a person I dont wanna be. And the sad thing is I have kept pushing away the people who are the closest to my heart, and trying to help, but let in people who have done nothing but bring me down and always know how to make me feel bad, which then makes me have fights and arguments and be nasty with my wife, which I dont wanna do anymore. So anyway I am finally being honest with everyone and making slow but steady progress, and at the end of it I will be the man I know I can be. People can either embrace my changes and accept thats who I wanna be, or just simply piss off out of my life, coz I aint tolerating it anymore, coz I am sick and tired of being a grouch and always miserable, negative and never smiling, OK Bye for now :)
Posted on: Mon, 30 Jun 2014 09:52:36 +0000
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