YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF ON THIS ONE METHINKS H. E. R. O. Human Evaluation and Research Organization Interim report of Expedition 041206. When the Sasquatch Intelligence Agency (SIA) learned that the ‘Happy Wanderer Hiking Club’ of (deleted) had planned a three-day outing to a primitive campground in area known to us as Honeybear Mountain, the decision was taken by the Investigation Committee to send a team to cover the event. The general location is in the southeastern United States (Exact location undisclosed due to the potential for ongoing investigation). Our team #3 was given the assignment. Team Members: Males: Harold (me) Herschel Nigel Morris Females: Cassandra Elvira All team members are experienced and highly trained researchers/investigators. Equipment: At times, we find it to our advantage to make our presence known to humans without showing ourselves. For this we rely on ‘The Stench’. We obtain this from Simply Nauseous InFusions (SNIF), Ltd., who make the product available in handy aerosol cans and in a number of custom blends. Our choices for this exercise were: Females: Cass and Ellie chose “FEMME” (damp forest, day-old garbage and honeysuckle) Males: Herschel, Nigel and I selected “MILD MALE” (wet dog and musk with a hint of rotten cabbage) Morris, our extrovert, opted for “BARF!” (skunk, ammonia, rotten eggs, open sewer, rotten meat, rotten fish and gorgonzola) All investigators also carried an aerosol can of SNIF’s tried and true “Narcissus Pheromone”. One whiff of this odorless compound gives humans an uncontrollable feeling of ‘being watched’, causes the hair on the back of their necks to stand up and makes ‘goosebumps’ rise on their arms. Objective: As we have been observing humans for centuries, we believe we know most of what can be learned about them. However, we continue the program to keep pace with any improvements in their equipment and also to document any previously unobserved human characteristics. It should be noted that, although their stress levels are purposely elevated from time to time, particular care is taken on our part that no injury comes to any human during these exercises. All investigators were cautioned that they were not, under any circumstance, to allow themselves to be photographed by humans as anything more than amorphous blobs in the wilderness. It is realized that some of our kind think it would be to our advantage to allow ourselves to appear crisply and clearly in photographs. However, we are staying with our principles. This policy will remain in effect until humans relent and guarantee us fair and reasonable compensation for our time and effort in posing for them. Preparation: It was known that the humans would begin to arrive mid-morning on Friday. In order to re-familiarize ourselves with the terrain and trail/ campground layout and condition, we arrived Wednesday afternoon. The area was in excellent condition so we were able to complete our preparations by Thursday afternoon leaving sufficient time for an evening of fellowship. Beginning with a rousing sing-along, we then spent the rest of the evening telling human stories and jokes. “Why did the human dash across both lanes of the busy Interstate?” “Because he saw Morris on his side of the road!” (Morris laughed so hard at this that he choked and a piece of the rattlesnake he was eating came right out of his nose!) Before dawn the next morning (Friday), Morris was dispatched to the paved road to obtain some specimens of suitably-aged roadkill for use in an experiment we wished to perform. He found several excellent samples. In spite of eating most of them on his way back to our position, a sufficient amount remained for our purposes. At 0930 we gathered to coordinate our first evolution. The Arrival At 1030 A.M. the club members began arriving. We observed carefully in order to evaluate their campmaking and general forest skills. Observed: Fifty percent displayed average abilities Fifteen percent received above average marks. Ten percent were deemed to be superior. Twenty-five percent should not have been allowed in the forest unaccompanied. Conclusion(s): These data conform closely to previous observations. Nothing new was learned from this exercise The next exercise was to evaluate the human powers of observation and determine gastronomical preferences. After the campers had finished their evening meal and were gathered for informal social activities, Herschel, quietly and unobserved, made his way to the edge of the camp clearing. He tossed a portion of Morris’s properly-aged roadkill into the clearing, made a couple of bird calls and silently withdrew. Immediately, three campers (obviously avid birders) wandered to the edge of the clearing to try and determine why a Tennessee warbler was up and singing at 10:30 in the evening. They located our bait and soon all campers were gathered to examine the properly-aged roadkill. Observed: Ten instances of audible gagging. Seven cases of reflux. Eighteen ‘tossed cookies’. (Samples were carefully gathered and were submitted for analysis.) Conclusion(s): These data closely conform to previous observations. Nothing new was learned. Humans possess extremely weak stomachs. We spent the remainder of the evening carefully observing the camp in order to prepare for tomorrow’s first exercise. Finally, our well-honed powers of observation and hearing paid off as Ellie and Nigel discovered a group of six males who were planning a morning hike to the top of the mountain via a remote trail. We quickly crafted our detailed plan of observation. The First Encounter: Our plan (like all of our plans) was simple, yet masterful. Cassie and Nigel would remain to observe the campsite while Ellie, Herschel , Morris and I would accompany the hikers. When the humans were an eighth of a mile from the camp, Ellie and Herschel began to ‘pace’ them. (This is a maneuver in which we accompany the hikers – in this case, Ellie on the left, Herschel on the right – and remain unobserved but make no effort to conceal the sound of our footfalls. When the hikers stop, we also stop, after being careful to take one additional step to ensure that the humans are aware of our presence.) After three quarters of a mile of ‘pacing’ Herschel and Ellie reverted to the concealed/silent mode to allow the hikers to relax. Meanwhile, at a point on the trail a mile and a quarter from the campsite, I took position behind a large poplar tree. When the hikers approached to within ten paces of my position, Ellie signaled by bird call (blue jay). I then went into a crouch, stepped into the trail, turned to face the oncoming humans, rose to my full height of nine feet and eleven inches, threw my arms into the air, did a nifty little dance step and said, “WHASSUP, DUDES?!” (Now, I realize that, due to the difference in out languages, this may have sounded like a growl. In fact, due to the enthusiasm with which I spoke, it could have been mistaken for a ROAR! But I can’t be blamed for that.) Observed: For an instant, time seemed to freeze as the hikers absorbed what had transpired before them. Then action began apace. First, there were six, near-simultaneous human scat samples provided. (Unfortunately, since all humans were wearing jeans, none of these were collectable.) Then, in a shower of discarded equipment, the hikers whirled and started back towards the campsite as fast as their pathetic little underdeveloped legs would take them. Herschel gave chase but had to pull up after three strides to keep from getting ahead of them. Meanwhile, Morris, Ellie and I took inventory of the discarded equipment: Six water bottles Two camcorders Three still cameras (one film, two digital) Five pair of binoculars Six backpacks Five hiking boots Three GPS receivers Since very little of this equipment was of any use to us, we simply noted the location of each item, the brand names and condition and left them where they lay. There were, however three exceptions: 1. Morris ate one of the hiking boots. Although it had a pleasant aroma of properly-aged roadkill, he found it to be somewhat tough and not entirely to his liking. 2. Ellie thought that the knapsacks could be modified for useful service as handbags or fanny-packs, so she retained two of those. 3. We ALL enjoyed the glazed donuts and chocolate bars. (At least those we could keep from Morris.) After our former hikers reached the campsite, they breathlessly told their story. Their fellow campers quickly convinced them that their eyes were playing tricks and all that they had seen was an opossum. (After hearing this, all the researchers began to call me ‘Haropossum’. I became so angry, I didn’t speak to anyone for twenty minutes!) Conclusion(s): These data closely conform to previous observations. Nothing new was learned. Human are the SLOWEST vertebrates in the forest. The next encounter was, as happens from time-to-time, an unplanned and spontaneous experience. Yet it was an encounter which provided more information than we have been able to gather in quite a while. The Second encounter: At dusk on Saturday, a female (we later learned her name was Alicia) left her campsite to answer a ‘call of nature’. Cass was in her sector at the time and accompanied her (unobserved/silent mode) on her trek. When Alicia found just the right spot and assumed the position to ‘take care of business’, Cass stepped into the open in front of her, gave her a friendly smile and uttered a low, “Whoop!” (our language for, “Gotcha!”) Observed: ALL investigators were extremely impressed by Alicia’s speed and agility. According to Herschel (Expedition Statistician), she covered the 109 yards back to her campsite in ten seconds flat! (This is even MORE impressive considering the fact that Alicia accomplished this with her jeans around her ankles!) At one point, we looked on in horror as she was headed directly for a large blackberry patch. If she encountered those vicious briars at the speed she was moving, she would seriously injure herself! As it happened, we needn’t have worried. NONE of us had EVER seen a human – or any animal for that matter – run across the TOPS of blackberry bushes! Upon reaching her campsite, Alicia breathlessly related her story. Her fellow campers quickly convinced her that her eyes were playing tricks and all she had seen was a raccoon. (All researchers began referring to Cass as ‘Cassaraccoon’, whereupon she became so angry she wouldn’t speak to anyone for twenty minutes!) An excellent scat sample was carefully collected and submitted for analysis. Conclusion(s)/Recommendation: After close examination of all data, we learned that Alicia’s demonstrated speed was only four percent slower than the legendary Simon (‘the Slug’) Snailfoot, the slowest sasquatch known to history. Congratulations, Alicia girl! You are now, officially, the fastest human we have ever clocked and a part of sasquatch history! It is hereby strongly recommended that we closely study Alicia’s technique for running across the tops of briar patches. If we can master this maneuver, it could well be used to our advantage in the future. After this encounter, we retired to the deep forest to allow the humans to enjoy their supper while we planned our next exercise, ‘The Serenade’. The Serenade: This event, also known irreverently as ‘The Whistle in the Thistle’ is employed as an after-dinner entertainment to reward our human subjects as much as anything else. Herschel and Ellie would observe the campsite while Nigel and Cassie would perform a serenade of whistles, whoops and howls. Morris provided percussion accompaniment with tree and rock knocking. Meanwhile I ran noisily through the nearby forest breaking large limbs and small trees. (This is NOT my favorite part of any expedition as I invariably get pine sap all over me and my hands are sticky and yukky for a week!) Observed: Shock 100 percent Awe 100 percent Conclusion(s): These data are consistent with previous results. Nothing new learned. After our performance, we again retired deeper into the forest to compare notes and discuss our next move. It was unanimously decided that nothing further of any significance would be learned from this group and it was decided to proceed with ‘Operation Termination’. Operation Termination: After our concert, we allowed our humans to relax and retire to their tents after a full day of activities. Then, at 1:30 a.m., all six of us entered the camp, making no effort to conceal our footsteps, and walked among and around the tents, occasionally grunting, snorting and picking up and noisily discarding various items of camping equipment. (It never ceases to amaze us that, during this exercise, no human is anxious to leave his tent and join us.) After twenty minutes, we quietly retired to the forest and took our positions to observe the humans’ camp-breaking techniques. Observed: The last club member entered his vehicle in forty-five seconds. The last vehicle squealed onto the paved road in four minutes. (Not a bad time for transiting three miles of rutted logging track!) We left the tents and other equipment where they were. Morris took care of all remaining comestibles. Conclusion(s): Although their departure was somewhat more expeditious than the average, our observation did not significantly differ from previous expeditions. Overall: Some things, thanks mainly to Alicia, were learned from this expedition. However, we have studied humans for so long that there is, frankly, little left to learn about them. We hope to have the laboratory results back within two weeks and have the final report out within a month. Pictures and maps will be made available as Nigel finishes drawing them. NO HUMAN WAS INJURED DURING THE COURSE OF THIS EXPEDITION. (However, there was minor to moderate suspension damage to nine vehicles during the exit phase and six mufflers were lost.) (We are still not certain as to what use the humans make of ‘mufflers’ but we find that, when they are banged together or hit with sticks, they make sounds that we find pleasing.) /s/ Harold Harefoot Chief Investigator and Lead Scientist
Posted on: Mon, 08 Jul 2013 01:54:16 +0000
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