Years ago...I wanted the impossible. I wanted to live without emotion. I did everything in my power to be immune, then life happened. I found that all of the immunities that I was working on were in effect making me not immune but inhuman. That was the flaw. To be human abstractly and still be human is to be grotesque and is damnable, and therefore is imperfect and unsafe, which leads me to my point. I wanted to be perfect and safe, but we live in an imperfect and dangerous world. What I have learned is this: the best and safest place to be is to be well-integrated. It has been said: no man (or woman) is an island, and that is true because we in fact exist in a psychic reality (a place where more than one mind exists), so attempting to isolate ones self in affect hurts the sustaining organism. And well, speaking from personal experience, what I know is true: there is sublime beauty in isolation where one only communes with the divine, but ultimately if one remains alone he or she will want to sustain form, because an individual instinctively knows that is ironically enough the safest state. So the question is: how does one sustain a form and still remain safe? Maybe only one day passing will reveal?? As I spoke with my awesome similarly afflicted roommate earlier: life finds a way and goes on. Cold pragmatic people say that shit everyday, but I actually mean it in such a way as to say that there is more at work than pure survival, but having lived for 32 years survival is (as I know) the name of the name. So the question becomes: is there something better?? Is living without emotion still (not noble or wise), but achievable?? Having been there before I know it is abstractly beautiful, but simultaneously (to put it is simple terms sick) and to put in profound terms: unfulfilling. I dare say I have stumbled onto Christs dilemma in the desert: to have ones cake and eat it too?? The Bible maintains that there is a dichotomy. I am NOT Christ, but I have had more than my fair share of wandering, and what I have learned is this: I am human. I have a body, but my spirit has come to learn that there is a hidden dimension that pokes and prods at the human soul--some marginalize it dogmatically or embrace it when they take communion. Some embrace it all their lives and live fulfilled. Some feel it when the demons drag them back down. The affects are all different, except to say that in one form or another we all know there is more to reality than just stuff. We search for ways to make Heaven more like Earth and we dole out Hell when life does not meet our arbitrary standards. In the words of my roommate: its a mess. An orderly mind seeks to create order out of chaos, a chaotic mind (more or less) seeks homeostasis. One acts, the other participates: the affect is the same--the balance of seeking order AND homeostasis (which are NOT the same thing) is the challenge of the 21st Century individual. How do we achieve sustainability? How do we live as emotionless beings in a mechanistic world, and still have a heart??? Its NOT an easy question. The best I have come up with is: take care of yourself, and if you have some change in your pocket and the vagrant asks you for it and you can afford it, just give it to him or her--EVEN if all they are going to do with it is buy beer, because after all we are (as I have learned) ALL hypocrites. In the words of an IBM visionary: THINK. In my words: FEEL. ;)
Posted on: Sat, 04 Oct 2014 09:43:29 +0000
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