Yesterday I counseled a friend on a relationship issue, where her girlfriend had yelled at her a number of times, and to where she shared that this anger explosion issue had shown up, for her girlfriend, in past relationships, as well. It was a very powerful conversation for me, for I have been in relationship, on a number of occasions, where my partner has felt it was okay to blow up at me, in that way, without permission. What was powerful about it was the process of modeling for her how she could get her needs met, without making her partner wrong. See, NOTHING is wrong with anger. Nothing is wrong with intensity. Nothing is wrong with raising your voice with another. Nothing is wrong with sharing our emotional state with another. As long as you are in agreement about the process, where BOTH of you are on the same page, and BOTH of you are getting your needs met in any therapeutic or venting/expressive process that is occurring. Otherwise, the one who is experiencing the emotional state, without permission, becomes an object for the other persons process, and therefore sets a standard for the level of safety in the interaction, and can often times be damaging, INSTEAD OF therapeutic. It is my belief that we enter into relationships for the purpose of healing and elevating one another, that we may grow and further direct ourselves toward our goals and what makes us happy. So, we got up and started practicing. I asked her if she could feed me some lines that her girlfriend said to her, that were triggering to her, and we role-played. And we discovered ways to navigate through heated situations, without making anyone bad or wrong, while making sure that EVERYONE was on board for the process. This does NOT mean that one has to ask permission for every emotional share or expression - safety can be created in relationships where there are understandandings and permission is not necessarily needed to be received through verbal communication. However, it does mean, that when a situation arises where one or both parties are uncomfortable, there is a way to steer the conversation and/or situation to a place where everyones needs are met. That, in my opinion, is the cornerstone of healthy relationship - the ability to navigate situations, with loving honesty and compassion, and a steadfast commitment, to the best of everyones ability, to get the needs of all parties met, as often as possible. When one persons needs become more important than anothers, that is when abuse happens. That is when people are dropped. One example of that looked like, [Persons name], I love you and I care for you, and I want you to get your needs met for emotional expression here, AND Im even open to holding space for that in this moment, AND there are certain things I need to go there, so I can feel safe as well, because I am currently not feeling safe. To which point, both parties can express their needs and navigate to a solution for expression that works for both of them. In a situation where one of the parties does NOT feel safe, capable or confident in moving forward into an expressive space, in that moment, we talked about the ability to say, Im not in a space where I can be present for you now, but I would like to be, and this (whatever that is) is what I need to go into that space with you. Can we create that together? At that point, it is the responsibility of both parties to make that happen, in a timely manner, otherwise resentments will most likely build and decay will occur in the relationship. Yes, relationship conversations have shelf lives! When they are not tended to, they will rot, and then, later, the relationship will have a can of worms, as opposed to a fresh meal, ready for consumption, that will in fact FEED the relationship. What do you want? Super-fuel, from heart-felt, mutually agreeable, consensual conversation and/or experience OR rotted food, that will ultimately give both parties indigestion or food poisoning. I choose super-food! Love
Posted on: Wed, 02 Apr 2014 15:19:54 +0000
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