Yesterday, my Brian and Emily took Puddin Pie to see Santa. Thank you kids for letting me and dad horn in on your little family. I know I am prejudice, but that baby is so flippin’ adorable sometimes I think I’ll bust! When we got home, Ronnie and Brian did a few things on the farm and I began to feel that “UH OH” feeling. You know the one like something isn’t right. I prayed and prayed that my fractured little family is protected. I still don’t know what caused it and hope maybe it was a byproduct of my sadness. Sometimes, no matter how strong my faith is, no matter how much I know and believe I will see Corrie again, I can’t keep this incredible sadness at bay. Maybe it’s the pressure of trying to keep it together for my fractured little family, maybe it’s the pressure of trying to unpack all the boxes I have at work in our new office, maybe it’s the pressure from not having my shopping done (guess I have to BEGIN it to be finished with it!!), maybe it’s the pressure and worry of how I will handle and survive this beautiful holiday which celebrates family. Maybe this sadness is caused by knowing I was so close on Saturday to Corrie’s spirit and she still hasn’t come to me. Maybe I am just plain nuts and there’s a room for me at Fulton State Hospital! I did decide yesterday that I will probably stay off Facebook other than to post and check messages. I selfishly can’t handle the beautiful family pictures. I want everyone to make these memories, its my shredded heart and shattered soul that can’t take seeing the reminder of what I have lost. I don’t want to feel envy so I have remove myself from the temptation and it is too easy for me to fall into the role of victim and feel sorry for myself. That doesn’t change anything except opens the pity door which will eventually lead to the anger door and guess who is behind that door? Yes, the evil one wanting me to turn against God. I am a mixed bag of emotions with these pictures. On one hand like I said I get sad over the reminder of my family’s loss, but then I look at them and see memories being made for all these beautiful families. Keep posting them folks, I just will not be “liking” things for a little while. It is my sincere hope that I got that huge meltdown I have every few weeks out of the way when my poor sister Nancy got my text telling her to pray for us. When she called me right away, it started and I know she wanted to find words to comfort me but there are no words, so she wisely said nothing and just let me cry and scream, and sob into the phone. I love you little sister. She is extremely close to Corrie and Brian. Corrie would face-time Nancy every Sunday. Nancy, like Corrie’s cousin Kelly Ann or friends Eric and Keri Bernskoetter and probably her select group of 2,000 friends would get her infamous 2:00 a.m. texts telling them to come party. If my baby girl is in timeout in Heaven for anything, it’s her partying, although from what we’ve heard that is where she actually helped a lot of people. I know Corrie wasn’t a saint, I know she did and said things that she shouldn’t have and I hope I’ve written about my child not as a saint but as a good human being. You can accept Jesus as your Savior like Corrie did, but fall into bad habits because of being human. I love my baby girl so much, I miss her badgering me this time of year about what I wanted her dad to get me for Christmas, I miss her endless chatter during a T.V. show only to get aggravated because she was quiet during a commercial, I miss those OCD inducing mismatched neon footies, I miss that Long Island Medium hair bump, I miss her telling me I am her dime piece when in reality on a good day I may be a nickel, I miss that beautiful young lady who loved the elderly and found “wounded birds” in people, those short stubby toes, long fingers that would wave you away when she was stressed, her 3 kisses, two handed hugs, black and pink wardrobe, I miss her taking 30 minutes to fix her hair and make up only to put her St. Louis Cardinal ball cap on to train for her half marathon, I miss the house full of her wonderful friends and the laughter, I miss her wicked sense of humor, I miss her driving me crazy with her worrying over thinking someone was mad at her because she never wanted people angry at her, I miss her coming home and slamming that damned door followed by her “OOOOPS” I miss her calling me Koonie, or Mom when she was upset or really needed my attention, I miss almost every Monday one of us would unfollow the other on FB because of pictures from her weekend, I miss her accusing me of “creeping” on her wall (o.k. guilty!!), I miss looking into her beautiful eyes and feeling pride every time she smiled that gorgeous smile and knowing there was never braces on those straight white teeth. I miss laying in bed with her because her daddy was snoring too loud, I miss playing with her hair and her begging me to rub her shoulders, I miss my pink star, unicorn believing Mary Corinne Talken. I LOVE YOU TO HEAVEN AND BACK BABY GIRL. I hope when we are reunited in Heaven, she still has all of the qualities that made me fall hopelessly in love with this child from the time I found out we conceived her. (Well, maybe not all that party animal stuff!!) My belief is when we are finally reunite with God, all of our good qualities become bigger and brighter because we know what true love is when we finally see the face of the Lord and since we are made in the image of God, how can we not have anything but good and wonderful qualities that make up our souls. So I look forward to the day that I see my baby coming to help me over, laughing at her mismatched NEON footies without my undiagnosed OCD being set off! I will be sad, I will continue to sigh, I will continue to cry, but I will never lose hope, I won’t blame God, I won’t ask the fruitless question “WHY” . I will continue to believe, believe we will make it not only through Christmas, but through this sometimes unbearable grief. I will continue to try to listen and figure out my purpose while here on Earth and who knows, maybe some day believe in Unicorns! My scripture today is from Revelations, this book is sometimes so way over my head I just read and can’t comprehend. But then there are passages such as this that solidifies my belief and faith in what is waiting for us is real. Revelation 21:18-21 The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass. The foundations of the city walls were decorated with every kind of precious stone. The first foundation was jasper, the second sapphire, the third agate, the fourth emerald, the fifth onyx, the sixth ruby, the seventh chrysolite, the eighth beryl, the ninth topaz, the tenth turquoise, the eleventh jacinth, and the twelfth amethyst. The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate made of a single pearl. The great street of the city was of gold, as pure as transparent glass. My challenge today is to clean out your purses or change jars and find a Salvation Army Kettle to drop it in. Yes, it is going to be hard to let go of the change, so don’t even count it. God will know how much you gave. He wants us to do good deeds in SILENCE. If it hurts to give it, you did what God wants us to do. Love thy neighbor, that jar of change may be the one thing that gives a child or family hope and one day because of that hope that child may be the person who discovers the cure for cancer or other debilitating diseases all because you gave change from the bottom of your purse or a change jar. God bless, LET GO LET GOD, Dimes, pink skies & stars, mismatched socks, magic rocks. lost crock pots, wet puppy dog smells, quiet time, holding hands, I LOVE YOU’s, 3 kisses, summer rains, strong daddies, HOPE, PB&J sandwiches, two handed hugs, double rainbows, wax paper art, Angel feathers, snorts of laughter, FAITH, FORGIVENESS, Butterfly kisses and Unicorns.
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 13:32:19 +0000
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