Yesterday my mind was swamped with such specific memories. I found myself holding the image of me as I fell to the ground sobbing in the arboretum where we held Thierry’s ceremony as I choked on the words that I could not believe I was stood there looking at this beautiful place with eyes to think is this where I want to hold my husband’s funeral. And as I crashed down to the ground the whole world seemed to shake underneath me as I held my energy together in this place we used to run to every week and held one another’s hands as we walked through the trees and talked of our future and present life together. A year ago I was back in Europe celebrating being pregnant with my family; I found such deep delight in buying clothes for mine and Thierry’s child, talking of our hopes and dreams for our family that we had waited so long to start. People told me to wait until 3 months to be sure before buying the clothes for the child just in case. I told them no matter what I wanted to enjoy every moment of this experience and even when we lost our child Thierry and I will always have those memories of the utter and sheer excitement and bliss we both felt at the thought of being parents. Now those clothes sit locked away in a box in the container in my garden, along with the hopes and dreams I held with Thierry for no matter what happens now in my life they can never come as he will never be here again with me in that way. I have not cried now for about a week, and whilst I normally advocate crying it is actually really good to have a break from spending each day in tears and find some spaces of peace. These memories, this pain that threatens my mind and heart, it takes great strength to face this and not allow it to overwhelm me, for it matters not how much I cry the pain never lessens and it never will. But I can choose if I keep on allowing myself to be ripped apart by it.
Posted on: Fri, 20 Sep 2013 22:00:37 +0000
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