Yesterday was a blur. Was it a day or a week? So many emotions. Angry that he wasnt getting healed, sadness that I was going to lose him, devastation watching him suffer, heartbreak losing him, relief that he got his healing. Bewilderment at the thought of not having him in my life. All of his family was together on the back porch of moms house where we always were for celebrations for birthdays and holidays waiting for my mom to get home from the hospital. She had insisted on being alone with him those last agonizing hours. He was my Best Bud Forever she would say. As my mom got out of the van from the hospital, we waited on her to set the mood for the gathering. As we all hugged her feeling her obvious exhaustion and grief, she greeted us all with her usual motherly lovingness and chipper tone and pushed her grief aside. She said something like, Wheres my manhattan, its been a hell of a day and with that, we celebrated my fathers life as he would have wanted it. There was laughter in groups, small private pockets of stories and tears. So many conversations and memories shared by everyone. It was wonderful and healing for all of us. We needed that. This morning however, as sleep brings clarity and the noise has stopped, and the surrealness of it all fades, the impact of losing the man who made me the woman I am sinks in. My heart is aching and I cannot believe I will not have this man in my life anymore. Just the little things. Hey Tam, as I would walk in for coffee or a visit. The articles he would always bring in about the economy or politics always to uplift us and give us hope. I wish I would have kept all those silly newspapers he brought in and showed me. He was always an encourager. He was such a wonderful grandfather too. His grandchildren are devastated. He had 7 blood grandchildren, but equally devastated are the numerous grandchildren that werent even blood related but for whatever reason, called or considered him Grandpa or Uncle Jim. Friends and relatives are already flying and driving down not just to come to a funeral service in a few days, but because they want to celebrate him and be a part of this gathering of loved ones that will continue to spend time together this week. Nobody can get enough of being with one another and being able to talk about him so of course as these family members and other friends join us, tonight we will gather again on mom and J.W.s back porch to celebrate this truly giving and remarkable man.
Posted on: Sat, 29 Mar 2014 11:50:47 +0000
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