Yesterday was a spiritual workday for me. Now that my Mateo has had his final physical ceremonial goodbye. I can now focus on why. You see I could not ask those questions before or allow my family to get caught up on that question because any info I found out about why would naturally bring around more questions and I knew that info would not change the hardest fact of my nephews death. No answer here on earth could change that fact. My nephew died in a horrible, senseless accident. Because of this accident I started talking to a grief counselor counselor almost immediately. I know my roll in my family and I accept it as the rock for our hard times. If I were going to be good for them then I first had to be good for me. Even though I know how I react to loss I still needed a safety net and he (the counselor) is it. With his help I started putting the pieces to my puzzle together yesterday. I say to my puzzle because we are all individuals, we do not have the same puzzle. The pieces might be the same but we all need our personalized answer for our own puzzle. Yesterday I did not wake up crying. I was told that I am probably too tired to cry which sounds right but now the emotions can be triggered at anytime. So with no tears in my eyes I searched for my pieces yesterday and found some. I found them thru understanding and accepting. I had a clear mind to listen without emotion. I also spiritually called out to my boy and told him that he was free. Nothing associated with the tragedy will bind his spirit or soul and it will not be a reflection of his life. I will no longer allow myself or him to be represented by the manner or location of the accident. I know it is going to be a long road ahead but I will try with Gods help to complete my puzzle and put it away for good. I will get there. But I know that once that horrific, senseless puzzle of death is done and put away my puzzle of life will always have some pieces missing and those pieces I will have to wait to find in heaven.
Posted on: Wed, 17 Dec 2014 16:16:52 +0000