Yesterday we had the shortest day of what, for a lot of us, has been a very mixed year. The Chinese calendar says that this is the year of the Horse, but to me its been the year of constant change. Regardless, weve all made it to today. We got through the shortest day. My shortest day was full of people I care about; my children, my friends. There was hugs, laughing, noise, music, conversation, cake. Another day in a weekend of brilliant days full of some of my treasures people. But the dark companion to the shortest day? The longest night. I have never managed to develop the skill of sleeping unaided by chemicals. And even with them, I still dont sleep much. The longest night is full of too many dark hours where, even if youre lying awake with your eyes open, if feels like youre locked inside the darkness of your own thoughts with no ambient light to dilute or dispel it. In the dark, you can see your thoughts clearly. Its easy to project them when it feels like your mind has become a cinema. Where the only audience member, and most vicious critic, is you. In the dark, we see our flaws in 3D and surround sound. We have the certain knowledge that everyone sees them loom as large as we do. Those little hurts and slights that by day nip at us with sharp needleteeth? By night, they become dark, bottom dwelling predators, mouths full of razorblades set at angles. Those small hurts inflict maximum damage in the dark. Whispering in the corner, like vicious, uninvited guests; the not enoughs and the too muchs. They speak in stage-whispers and read from the same script. Like Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, theyre always in the background, but not major players. Until night time. They learned their lines well; not smart enough, not attractive enough, not good enough. Too full-on, too mad, too fat. And theyre so convincing. In the dark we lose hope, in the dark we turn and walk away. It feels to me that hope is some leviathan, sleeping at the bottom of a sunless ocean. It rouses itself from a sleep of a thousand years and tries to surface. But on the longest night, all we glimpse of hope is a slow-moving flank, trying to swim to the light but ultimately turning away from it. But you know what? Today is yesterdays tomorrow and we are all still here. Last night may have been the official longest night, but every night, someone somewhere is having their own personal longest night. And yet we continue. Hoping, fighting, waking up, loving, trying and just breathing. Everything will be ok. Ive cried in the dark with you and Ive held you in whichever way I can. And you need to know; Everything will be ok. Just trust that what should happen will. That people will be there when you need them. That even crushed beneath layers of sadness and distrust, hope lies with an ancient, strong heart. Everything will be ok x
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 10:52:25 +0000
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