Yesterday, we went out for a bit. I have primarily been in isolation for a few different reasons with different descriptions to the trauma of each reason. Many times, I feel kind of ghostly when I go places. I dropped my daughter and her friend off at a movie and went to a store named Michaels, close to the theater. There was a Home Goods store as well, yet, I do not have a home anymore. I was not sure what I would focus on, I needed to spend a few hours while the girls were at the movie and could not afford the gas to drive back and forth, to and from the theater multiple times, so I needed to hang out close. I could not really afford to shop, nor go eat or linger really anywhere. Easter, upcoming baby showers, birthdays. Michaels would occupy me for a while. I was wandering around, literally I feel absent and the items on shelves around me are vague but present. I am really not sure I can describe it. Occasionally, I see something that focuses me and I reach out and pick it up, feel it, touch it, put it in my life somewhere, then dismiss it, as I do my life in many ways I think. I laughed out loud when I became cognizant of that song, you lost that loving feeling was playing. I found myself kinda swaying listening and just slowly walking the aisles of multiple bins of crafty, birthday, party, home decor gadgets..it stopped me, I have. I have lost that loving feeling. I love, no doubt, with magnificent passion, I love my family. Yet, somehow, it applies. I stop in the moment, trying to fit the emotion and realization, then start walking again with that ghostly feeling hearing that song. I need to revisit things that I love, maybe, I can get back that feeling that is so lost. Through each stage of the trauma, I have gone through, I have attempted to reconnect at some point by doing exactly that, going back to the things I love, visiting ME. Who I was before that event happened and getting back in touch with myself. That loving feeling, that came from, the horses I love so much, the beach I love so much, the taste of the hay, dirt, smell of the horses and the leather, the saddles, the sand, the salt water, the sea air, the crashing waves, the sounds of the sea gulls, our church, my bible study, my family events, freedom. That is the loving feeling I lost, freedom. Generally, when I visit those places mentally, because I know what I love, I remember and try to go there; yet, the evil comes crashing in to invade my freedom. The stalkers, they invade me no matter where I go. Where I kept my horses, they crept, where my favorite hang outs and beaches are, they go, my church, they went, our home, our community, they invade. There is no freedom for me. The final straw, the law, they are protected by them too. I did push through, it is like a movie playing in my head, I am in this store that encompasses all of the gadgets to embrace the most pleasant events that we could plan for. Love, weddings, births, birthdays, holidays, religious events. I feel like I am on a carousel inside of a snow globe, then I found it, the perfect description. A jar, full of the best description for what I was feeling after two hours of aimless wander in this store. The mirror dust. There was a jar, WHO WOULD PICK THIS UP? It was a small jar on a shelf that screamed my name, it did not sparkle until I picked it up. The label was a plain white label, that said MIRROR DUST. That was it, mirror dust. I held the jar and as I moved it back and forth like an hour glass, I watched the reflective, fine, dust, some sparkle, some dull..that is how I feel. Like mirror dust in a jar. Very difficult to admit. Profound that I found a description.
Posted on: Thu, 27 Mar 2014 15:43:16 +0000
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