You are my sister. The essence of being human is connectedness. We’re connected to ourselves, to other people and to the world. Just as being human requires connectedness, you can’t be connected without eventual separation and loss. To be human is to have the capacity to love and to be loved. Religious people understand that people are created “in the image of God,” -- the task is to value the people and things that God has given, so that losing them brings sadness. Loss is inevitable in the human schema. Grieving is hard because grief is complex and multifaceted. Most experiences of loss intertwine several kinds of loss. When you’re newly diagnosed with cancer, or in treatment, or a survivor, chances are that you’ll be grieving different kinds of losses at different points in your cancer journey. Sometimes you’ll experience one kind of loss more profoundly than another. Sometimes you will feel overwhelmed with several kinds of loss at once. What’s important to remember is that grief is normal. Among the many types of loss, with cancer, the loss of relationship is primary. When your relationship with another person changes, or you lose that relationship, you lose the opportunity to share experiences, talk to, touch and engage with that person. When you become a cancer patient or a caregiver to someone with cancer, your relationship with others – spouse, children, friends – inevitably changes. The relationships change because you change. With change comes loss, and with loss comes grief. Often, cancer causes the loss of a sense of self. Cheerleading friends and family may tell you, “Don’t let cancer define who you are!” That approach might be helpful to you. Or it might not be helpful. With cancer, many people lose images of themselves that they’ve constructed, sometimes over many years. Plans are deferred or abandoned altogether. You’re grieving the loss of the person that you had hoped to be. Cancer and its treatments can also cause functional loss. Surgery or repeated surgeries, pain, neuropathy… all take their toll. You can’t walk as far as you used to, or you can’t walk at all. You were the star of your yoga class; now, you can barely pick your legs up off the floor when you try to attain the Bow pose. You wear a colostomy bag or carry a cane. In turn, these losses create a loss of autonomy. You’re dependent on people to take care of you. You’re grateful – and resentful at the same time. You have needs – but you don’t want to be a burden. Most important, remember that grieving is a process. Working through grief takes time. You can’t talk to someone for 30 minutes and make it better. Keep talking. And when you need to, talk some more. Write in a journal. Paint a picture. Find ways to express your grief. cantbelieveihavecancer.org/grief-loss.html
Posted on: Wed, 07 Jan 2015 03:49:08 +0000
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