You have left me speechless. I cannot find my tongue, or is it, I cannot find words worthy of your consideration, or deserving of your adulation. You have sent me the most tender, sweet spoken prayers, I have ever received. How will I ever thank you for graciously giving me the most nurturing words? Every word you sent me, relaxed the pain and my personal mental suffering. When I suffer a setback, you urge me on with your endearing words of faith, hope. I have come to rely on your wisdom and support. You are the foundation for my recovery and I know I will never be able to repay you for your kindness. I just want to make you proud. I want you to be proud of the battle fought. My only desire is to humbly bring a dignified voice to the heavyhearted and try to make sense out of this senseless disease. My faith grows stronger in humanity everyday. I know there is a God, because of your answered prayers. I also now know the purpose and meaning to my sickness. God knows there is strength in numbers and He has tenderly asked me to do my best in reaching out to others. I have shared this before, but I never wrote before my diagnosis. I guess I was never compelled or moved deeply enough to verbalise my thoughts. My cancer diagnosis peeled away the layers of skin that hardened my heart. It is like I now have no skin and can feel everything, my senses so heightened, so alive! I want to share with you one of my worst nights in the hospital. It was a Wednesday night and the doctors still could not figure out what was wrong with me, in fact they were worried the cancer may have spread to my lungs because of the rapidly developing fluid. My pain and anguish was at the highest level. I did not think I would make it through the night. It was 5:00 a.m. In the morning and I urgently called my parents because I was so scared. Of course they answered, and tried their best to bring me some relief. I could not catch my breath and started to hyperventilate on the phone. I kept repeating to them, I cant see His face, I cant see His face! When your body is so enveloped in pain, your eyes see only blackness and in this black abyss you feel completely lost. My parents said whose face, Janelle? And I said Gods. I cannot see Gods face anymore as I sobbed hysterically. Well somehow, someone heard my conversation with my parents, because a nurse I did not recognise came in, touched my head, and injected my IV with pain medicine that took all of my pain away. In that instant I felt complete relief and calmly drifted off to sleep. BUT, magically maybe even miraculously, before my eyes closed I saw the most beautiful, glorious face. The face of God. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your wonderful prayers. You help me each day to see His face. Love and Thanks, Janelle
Posted on: Sun, 27 Jul 2014 19:01:15 +0000
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