You know how you fight for something in life and you give it your best but then sometimes you have to step back and realize some battles are yours to fight and some things you have no control of. You also know when a hurt that has been laid at your feet is beyond your human abilities to help repair and to help save someone from themselves. I cannot explain it all, I cannot articulate it all but this weekend I have mourned the fact that some jobs that have come my way have not been mine to do but I still did the work and completed them. When Mom laid at my feet to call hospice and have them do something with this man it was an unfair thing to do to me. Did I make the call? Yes because I also love my Mom and I loved my Dad but my Dad never made it back home from that trip and I have the fact that the decision to make that call was forever put to me to make and will forever be on my hands. I am now faced with another decision that is not mine to make. I did not make the mess or the circumstance yet I am to be the responsible one to decide how to move forward. I am very much trying to not be bitter, to not hold resentment and I am very much at peace with the fact that I cannot save anyone from themselves but I have really had a spiritual and emotional struggle this weekend knowing it is my task to have to bury a family. I have to come to grips that it is disintegrated and dead, that while the individuals that made up that family are still alive the actions of some have rendered it dead. I ask for your prayers. I need your prayers. I am not one that easily gives up hope. That says you win to evil, bad and selfishness but I know that free will is a very powerful thing and while there are many people that not just walk all over prayers of others they stomp on them. Small me has little power over that and while I am a fighter ~ I want to be a lady and know when to leave a party. I am leaving this party. It is fully in the hands of others and most of all God. In my heart I will forever have love and have my own version of family but for Momma and Daddy I truly mourn. They werent perfect but this is not what they set out to achieve. I know now, through eyes of reflection that this past year had a purpose. Arrogance is a very ugly trait to possess and it is a very foolish man who lets money, greed, selfishness and resentment rob him of what God ushered him into this world with. Im proud Ive always been smart enough to not seek that path for myself. I am sad others have not been intelligent enough to see the writing on the wall. I have firsthand seen the love in Uncle Genes eyes for my Mother. Those two could hardly carry on a conversation with one another but three little words could make it out of their mouths and dementia could not rob them of it I love you. When were younger and in the throes of the prime of our life it is easy to overlook what will sustain us when we become older, IF we become older. Family is beyond money, greed, selfishness. Love is sometimes the only glue that holds. I feel sorry for someone who cannot see through it all. Who is willing to lie to themselves and others rather than humble themselves. There are no human heroes ~ only humans with love and dignity or hate and resentment and arrogance. Too bad some people have free will and cannot be human enough to get on their knees and ask to be humble and learn. Their destination and pay day is of their own doing. I hope it can be endured.
Posted on: Mon, 01 Dec 2014 12:27:09 +0000
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