You see, heres the thing: When youve been through that dark night if the soul, when youve come that close to the edge of the precipice, when youve stared into the abyss and it has stared back into you. . . It never really goes away. It marks you. You can move on with life, you can appear to be perfectly fine, and mostly cope with whatever comes your way. And, every so often, the Void will wake up in you again. Then the earth falls away from under your feet, you are infinitely falling into an abyss of nothingness, you cant breathe because your chest is tight with anxiety, the glass dome appears and you can see the world through the soundproof glass but you cant feel anything. And it can happen at any time. Sometimes its triggered by something. And sometimes it just happens. The part lots of folks cant seem to understand is that there doesnt have to be a reason for it to happen. It just does. It doesnt obey the laws of cause and effect, and its not rational. Ad you cant just think your way out of it. A lot of my friends are very smart people; and the one big mistake that most smart people make is to think that they can think their way out of every problem, and overcome every existential crisis through willpower and brains. And they cant. It just doesnt work that way. So, sometimes it just happens. Im most vulnerable late at night. I first had a major Void experience on New Years Eve 1990. That was the beginning of the dark night of the senses, and it lasted four years, months, and fourteen days. Everything i thought i knew was taken away; everything I had ever believed was shown to be hollow, empty, meaningless; nothing i knew was true, and i must start from zero, and i couldnt. Every waking and sleeping hour was spent with a terrified voice screaming inside me, endless existential nausea that never silenced. It was existential horror on a continuous basis with no relief; although i really wanted to live, i couldnt stand it. And so i put myself more than once into situations where I was in danger, and left it up to the gods as to whether I would live or die. I did things most of my friends dont know about, terrifying things that people get really upset about if I tell them. You have NO idea. This only ended with a second vision of the Void, which was a peaceful, restful experience, and brought me some equilibrium. The screaming was gone, and I could for the finest time in years actually rest. Ive written about all this in a book of poems, still unpublished. I thought that was the end of it. Id gotten through that, I could get through anything. But that was only the first time that everything that I ever knew, or thought I knew, or believed in, was stripped away from me. By now, it has happened so many times that Im almost used to it. It keeps happening—with much less drama around it now. Usually. When I was living alone in the New Mexico desert in 2004, that was when the actual dark night of the soul settled in. And that coincided with the acute phase of an undisguised chronic illness that was only diagnosed in 2007, when it almost killed me. Fur years later, I had surgery to save my life, having almost died a couple of times in the interim. And everything in my life got sorted out. I now believe that had I not been commissioned to compose Heartlands that year of acute illness and surgery, I wouldnt be here. For months, it was the only reason I had to even get out of bed, much less do anything else. It saved me. You have no idea! And almost dying, and gradually recovering from the long illness, and all that time being aware of the Void, and fighting off depression, really changed my priorities in life around. I really sorted out what mattered. Not all my friends liked that, but the real friends did and do, and are still with me, while others fell by the wayside. I figured out what my purpose in life is: make things, make music, make art. Its what I do best; and, honestly, while I was very good at commercial illustration and graphic design within the publishing world, I was really never that good at corporate life. And even worse in retail. Im not in a bad place now. I even have good days, at least more often than I used to. But I also can always see the abyss there, behind the facade that is the world that were all supposed to live in and care about. I know exactly how to see it, with no effort. Sometimes its very close to be surface of things, and I must use all my strength just to not sucked back into that black hole vortex of entropy and negativity. Most if the time youll never even notice, and most of the time I wont ever two about this stuff. Im used to it, but youre probably not: some folks still freak out at the mere mention. And mostly you DO have to deal with this alone, with no help. Even when I do reach out for help, which I do, trust me, its not always there, or family not always helpful. If I seem judgmental of people who remain clueless, its because I dont have the strength to be nice—which sometimes takes a lot more strength than you realize. I believe in civility, and I believe in being genuinely thoughtful and courteous, and loving, and empathic, and more. And some days, because of the long illness, because of depression, because of the Void being close by, I simply have NO energy. Especially not left over to be the quiet, stable, sincere, kind person that you want me to be. (Often without, one might add, the reciprocal also being true.) so some days you will have to deal with the Black Dragon. Because that is the price I have to pay, some days, and who I have to be merely to survive. I try not to inflict that on anyone. Ad being human, some days it will leak out and youll get burned. You have NO idea how much restraint I am actually showing, sometimes. Because I dont believe in being mean, or nasty, or willfully cruel. So count your blessings. The void, once youve fallen into it, never really goes away. You can fall back in at anytime, for a reason or for no reason. Its not about control. Its about being able to just. Get. Through. It. For. One. More. Day. Okay. We now return you to your regularly scheduled cat pictures and cliched memes about new age self development. Enjoy!
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 05:13:43 +0000
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