Your thoughts? Dear Raga, I am an African-American woman in a relationship with a married Jamaican man. I have been in this relationship for the past nine years. When the relationship started, we were friends and it was very casual. We both worked for the same company. I knew he was married and that he was used to having several relationships simultaneously. For the first two years of the relationship, I was able to deal with his home life and I was able to provide a sense of balance and fulfilment in which he was able to let go of all of the other extra-curricular activities (the horde of women). This accomplishment was so gratifying I could not see the damage I was creating to the long-term effect of my relationship. Instead of the constant issues of his philandering being brought to the forefront by his wife. He had inadvertently become a better husband. There were no more random chicks calling his home telling the tales of his constant betrayal, no more staying out all night. I had curbed his appetite for the random and volume, and by doing so, created a situation of hope in his marriage. He had changed his movements to only me. Of course, I didnt change his behaviour, just the frequency of arguments and outbursts which gave his wife a sense of security that she had not experienced for some time. He and I would take vacations every year. We saw each other every day and every night, partly out of love, but mostly out of convenience as we still worked together. We had few issues because we all played our parts, effortlessly. He satisfied all of our needs so much that I always referred to our relationship as the evil trinity. Once, he asked me if we could have a threesome. I responded with a chuckle and smile and said Baby you have been in a threesome since the moment we started this relationship. Over the six years we have been together, I have moved further away geographically and emotionally. When the relationship started, we both lived in the same state; I have moved twice. We talk all the time; mostly I travel back to where he is to visit him. He has travelled twice to see me in six years, both times after I moved for work in different states. Raga, I know that he loves me, but I understand that he loves himself more. I know that writing you will be viewed in his eyes as a hostile act, somehow poking a sleeping dragon. Raga, please tell me how to stop being lost in him and to find myself again. He will never leave his wife. He will always keep me hostage (and I realised I am a willing participant. Most of the time I self diagnose with Stockholm syndrom, to make my weakness and yearning to be loved by him OK). Is love so irrational, and is this the only way I am capable of being in love? I have created a tragic scenario that was doomed from the beginning. Is the only way out to change my number and email address? I know that if he doesnt have ease of contact he wont make any effort to reach me through family or friends. I am miserable with him and more miserable without him. Tell me Raga, what you think. Desperately, Stupid in love. Youre obviously a bright and articulate woman. Youre also impressively mature in your thinking, given that you are able to insightfully identify your weaknesses. Due to time and space limitations, Ill just be forthright. Youre in love with a man who wants to stay married and still have access to you. Hes happy with the arrangement. There are some women who are comfortable being on the side youre no longer in that group. Youre happy when youre with him, but not happy with the arrangement. Youre responsible for your happiness. If youre not happy with the arrangement, its your fault, not his. This may sound cold, but its not about him anymore, its now about you. You need to take care of yourself, and this will mean removing yourself from the arrangement, which means you must stop seeing him. Easier said than done for sure, but it doesnt make sense to hold on to the limited joy you experience when you sporadically see him at the cost of being unfulfilled and unhappy in general. What youve had with him for nine years is no longer insync with your goals and what you need to be happy. Let him go and move on.
Posted on: Wed, 29 Oct 2014 17:41:07 +0000
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