a Thought Intrepid columnist bags another Bigfoot! How many times must I explain this? Bigfoot is real. He is not a hoax. You want proof? There’s not a shred of evidence to support the existence of dragons, unicorns, leprechauns, and various and sundry other munchkinlike critters, but people still believe in them, don’t they? There’s your proof. Veterinarian Melba S. Ketchum of DNA Diagnostics in Nacogdoches, Texas, will also back me up on this. Based on findings of more than 100 DNA samples, a trove of wild speculation, a shot in the dark, and a sizable chunk of grant money to steer her conclusion in the proper direction, Ms. Ketchum stated that Bigfoot may be a human relative that somehow developed around 15,000 years ago as a result of a hybrid cross between Homo sapiens and a primate like Ted Nugent. Not only does Sasquatch exist, it is an amazing species. The creature is extremely good at concealing itself and has the ability make cameras go shy and auto-focus systems malfunction. Its life expectancy is endless and it knows just how to avoid capture. According to Indian lore Bigfoot has the ability to completely disappear at will, just like our constitutional rights under the Patriot Act. The beast can make complete fools out of those who spend time and money in its pursuit. How is it that we have more high quality imaging technology available than ever before, yet the amount of Bigfoot images has not increased at all? You would think we would have a virtual yearbook full of photos by now, right? Here’s the answer: No one who is smart enough to operate an iPhone has ever seen the creature. I’ve spotted him in some of the weirdest places imaginable. Once I saw him walking down the street with a Chinese menu in his hands. Another time I caught him drinking a pia colada at Trader Vic’s. His hair was perfect. Ha, ha, little joke there. The real reason Bigfoot has never been seen by anyone but me is due to its secretiveness. It’s also because I’m not one of those backwoods boneheads you keep hearing about. I’m a professional Sasquatch hunter. I can spot an impostor in a fake gorilla suit a mile away. I also know that any camera taken into the woods must be cheap and show only grainy unfocused pictures, and (this is important) no zoom! Follow those rules and with enough liquor you just might see Bigfoot yourself. Oh, I almost forgot. Ingest a couple of grams of magic mushrooms before venturing out. That helps, too. A while back I shot my first Bigfoot in order to provided critics with some tangible proof. I would have used a tranquilizer dart or captured him with a net, but that’s not how I roll. The story was in all the tabloids, including the Times-Standard. Remember that? Some say the entire incident was bogus, but it made great story material for the kids around the campfire with some s’mores. Then critics said I needed more evidence. So I blasted one to smithereens last week in the hills behind Fortuna, California (the Mecca of Bigfoot sightings). How did I find him, you ask? I obtained a flying predator drone and specifically programmed the FLIR camera to search for a large bipedal animal’s heat signature. I spotted the scary-looking beast instantly. At first I thought it was an Al-Qaeda operative, or maybe a member of ISIS. He was sitting in a whine of hungry mosquitoes, gnawing on the hooved shinbone of some luckless forest critter. I crept up the hillside, came in from behind, and plugged him with my AK-47 (a standard local hunting weapon). Then I tagged the hairy beast so Fish and Game wouldn’t slap me with a fine. Unfortunately, I forgot to draw some blood or take a hair sample or any of that stuff. Plus the lens was still on the camera when I took pictures. I also neglected to map out the coordinates of the kill zone so I could return. But the story does not come out of Texas so that makes it legit, right? For more information on my latest Bigfoot Eradication Project you can reach me at: 1-800-GETALIFE. Better yet, just call the mental health hotline. Tim Martin resides in Fortuna and writes this column for the Times-Standard. His latest book “Moonlighting as a Gynecologist,” is available on Amazon. com in paperback and Kindle. I’m a professional Sasquatch hunter. I can spot an impostor in a fake gorilla suit a mile away.
Posted on: Sun, 11 Jan 2015 15:19:12 +0000
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