#captureyourgrief Day 11 - Altar #whathealsyourheart Emma’s Altar Emma’s Altar is adorned with all sorts of things that remind me of her. Her orange butterflies (as Emma has shown herself to us on many occasions as an orange butterfly – A Great Spangled Fritillary to be exact if you are curious), one of her blankets from the hospital, a picture of Mary and baby Jesus, Buddha, fresh flowers, gifts, and statues. I have her hair inside my special willow tree “Angel of Mine” box inscribed inside with the words “so loved, so very loved”. Her hair is the most treasured keepsake I have of Emma, it was a part of her body, it was her, and it evokes the deepest love along with the deepest sadness within me. My altar has framed cards from Carly Marie with two on my favorite quotes “She was born silent, into this world but her little life spoke volumes –Holly Haas” and “I held you, I breathed you in; your smell, your baby soft skin. Your silent birth awakened feelings from my inner core. I have known no deeper pain and there can be no higher love – Nicola Connors” I have her beautiful picture in a pearl frame, pearls also remind me of her. I have lots of candles. I have my comfort bear from Sufficient Grace Ministries (I love to cuddle this bear) and other gifts from other loss moms like the beautiful cross-stitch butterfly with Emma Grace’s name on it. I have a real butterfly on her altar as well. It is from Emma’s memorial photo shoot. Twenty six butterflies were donated from Folk’s Butterfly Farm for the photo shoot. We released twenty two beautiful healthy very friendly butterflies at the shoot. Four were left and our photographer let us take them home. We released them that night, it was a chilly night and butterflies sleep in the cold weather, so they just stayed on us, we hung out with them for hours, petting them, talking to them, to Emma. We finally needed to head to bed, so we placed them on the flowers outside on our patio and went to sleep. I eagerly awoke early the next morning hoping they were still out there and they were, I was thrilled. I quickly went outside to spend time with them. I held them, talked to them, and admired them. Not short after I was out there one flew away and then another, soon a third. They returned several times, landing on my feet or near me before they left (though they did visit me for weeks after), but one would not leave. It softly fluttered its wings, but would not fly. It clung to the flower, but would not move much. I could not leave this butterfly. I had my mind set that I would not go inside until they all flew away to be peaceful and free. Soon I could see it was getting weak, not able to hold itself up. I stayed out there with that little butterfly for 8 hours and refused to come in to the house or really move from my chair. I did move to go in and get the little butterfly some fruit, I thought maybe it needed some nourishment. I brought out pieces of a juicy clementine and placed the butterfly on the dish to eat. Well, its short life was over, it feel over onto the dish, no longer able to stay and I sat and I cried and I cried over this butterfly. My daughter died, this butterfly died, it was too much. I would not move, I was paralyzed with grief. I talked to me husband on his way home from work, sniffling out the words “my butterfly died” and he so beautifully stated, maybe it just wanted to be with Emma and to stay with her things. We will save it and place it with her other things. I felt a sense of relief within the sadness. I come here to her altar to remember, to find comfort, because I am so very proud of my little girl and I needed to have a special place for her out in the open in our home that everyone could see.
Posted on: Sun, 12 Oct 2014 02:07:19 +0000
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