content: living with anxiety. . . . . . . . . . . There are some days where I wake up, maybe by a thought or something I saw, I suddenly become anxious. When I experience anxiety, I often shut down. Beginning of the day is the worst for me because I suddenly become withdrawn, cancel any plans that I had that day, and stay at home. Today is one of these days, but fortunately, I decided not to shut down. One way of avoiding a shut down is to discuss about it. One of the reasons why I experience anxiety is because of fear. Negative thoughts contribute to fear. And I continue to think those thoughts. I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of invoking other peoples feelings of hatred, anger, frustration, disappointment, and other connotations of emotions. Therefore, that is why I am socially awkward. I experience anxiety in little things everyday. I am extremely clumsy because of my anxiety, and sometimes in some of the ways I approach things, I dont have confidence. Normally, these are short bursts of anxiety. Anxiety attacks, for me, depends on the previous impact of a thought/emotions -- almost like a trigger. How do I typically deal with anxiety? I rely on smoking cigarettes. I have the mentality where I say to myself, They will calm you down. You need this. I always become anxious right before meeting up with someone, or attending an event, or going to a particular place. I would literally pause in my trail and wait a while before going there, most likely to have a cigarette or two. Last night, someone really affirmed my experiences of living with anxiety. This person, a deaf signer, has known me since I was 2. Asked me, Do you have anxiety? I was surprised. My declaration of having anxiety more of a self-diagnosis (because its hard to get an actual diagnosis and not sufficient money to get one). I asked them, why they thought that I had anxiety. They told me of our middle-school days where Id have anxiety attacks in the classroom. I was like, really? (Disclaimer: I dont really remember much from my middle-school days. I experienced a lot of trauma at that time.) I could recall that I missed out a lot on school. On average, it was like once a week. Then over time, it worsened. Because my anxiety would make me literally sick to my stomach. That is when I started to take counselling. One of the best ways for me to deal with my anxiety is to write. I feel such a natural flow. Its a natural release to me. And its a healthier release. It is something that I enjoy. It definitely helps me to relax. But sadly, I still have this mentality where, cigarettes helps, and Im constantly fighting that battle- often, losing. One day, Ill win that battle. I just need to tell myself, no. Note: While writing this out, I experienced anxiety because of a situation that is seemingly nothing or not a big deal. For some people, particular situations make them anxious. Today, I felt like I lost control, and I really couldnt do much about that situation.
Posted on: Fri, 28 Mar 2014 17:25:24 +0000
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