dear friends,family and others of us with BPD. You may be frustrated , feeling helpless and ready to give up. It is not your fault. You are not the cause of our suffering . You may find that difficult to believe, since we may lash out at you , switch from being loving and kind to non-trusting and cruel on a penny, and we may even stand up and blame you. But its not your fault. You deserve to understand more about this condition and what we wish we could say but may not be ready. it is possible that something that you said or did (TRIGGERED) us. A trigger is something that sets off in our minds a past traumatic event or causes us to have distressing thoughts. While you can attempt to be sensitive with the things you say or do , that’s not always possible and its not always clear why something sets off a trigger. The mind is a complex. A certain song , sound,smell,or even words can quickly fire off a neurological connections that bring us back to a place where we didn’t feel safe and we might respond in the now with a similar reaction (think of military person who fight in combat --a simple backfiring car can send them into flashbacks. This is known as PTSD, and it happens to a lot of us, too. But please know that at the very same time that we are pushing you away with our words or behaviour , we also desperately hope that you will not leave us or abandon us in our time of despair and desperation. this extreme , black and white thinking and experience of totally opposite desires known as a dialectic. Early on in our diagnosis and before really digging in deep DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy), we don’t have proper tools to tell you this or ask for your support in healthy ways. We may do very dramatic things , such as harming ourselves in someway ( or threatening to do so), going to hospital or something similar. While these cries for help should be taken seriously, we understand that you may experience “burn out” from worrying about us and the repeated behaviour. Please trust that with professional help , and despite what you may have heard or come to believe, we can and do get better. These episodes can get farther and fewer between and we can experience long periods of stability and regulation of our emotions. Sometimes the best thing to do if you can muster up the strength in all of your frustration and hurt is to grab us , hug us and tell us that you love us , care and are not leaving. one of the symptoms of bpd is an intense fear of abandoned and we therefore often unconsciously. Sometimes behave in a extreme frantic ways to avoid this from happening . even our perception that abandonment is imminent can cause us to become frantic. Another thing that you may find confusing is our apparent inability to maintain relationships. We may jump from one friend to another , going from loving and idolizing them to despising them--deleting them from our phones and unfriending them on facebook. We may avoid you, not answer calls and decline invitations to be around you and other times ,all we want to do is be around you. This is called splitting and its a part of the disorder. sometimes we take a preemptive strike by disowning people before they can reject or abandon us. We’re not saying it is right . we can work through this destructive pattern and learn how to be healthier in the context of relationships. It just doesn’t come naturally to us. It will take time and a lot of effort. Its difficult .after all to other properly when you don’t have a solid understanding of yourself and who you are apart from everyone else around you. In borderline personality disorder many of us experience identity disturbance issues. we may take on the attributes of those around us, never really knowing who we are . you remember in high school those kids who went from liking rock music to pop to gothic all to fit in with a group -dressing like them ,styling their hair like them ,using the same mannerisms? Its as if we haven’t outgrown that. Sometimes we even take on the mannerisms of other people . we are one way at work, another at home,and another in public . which is part of how we’ve gotten our nickname of “chameleons.” sure people act differently at home and at work but you might not recognize us by the way we behave at work versus at home . its that extreme. For some of us, we had childhood during which unfortunately , we had parents or caregivers. who caregivers who could quickly switch from loving and normal to abusive. We had to behave in ways that would please the caregiver at any given moment in order to stay safe and survive. We haven’t outgrown this because of all of this pain, we often experience feelings of emptiness. We can’t imagine how helpless you must feel to witness this. Perhaps you have tried so many things to ease the pain but nothing has worked again .THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The best thing we can do during these times is remind ourselves that “this too shall pass” and practice DBT skills --especially self-soothing-- things that helps us to feel a little better despite the numbness. Boredom is often dangerous for us, as it can lead to the feelings of emptiness. Its smart for us to stay busy and distract ourselves when boredom starts to come on. On the other side of the coin. We may have outburst of anger that can be scary. Its important that we stay safe and not hurt you or ourselves. This is just another manifestation of BPD. We are highly emotionally sensitive and had extreme difficulty regulating/ modulating our emotions. Dr. Marsha Linehan who is a founder of DBT, likens us to 3rd degree emotional burn victims. through DBT we can learn how to regulate our emotions so that we don’t become out of control. We can learn how to stop sabotaging our lives and circumstances and we can learn to behave in ways that are less hurtful and frightening to you. But what about you? If you have decided to tap into your strength and stand by your loved one whit BPD you probably need support too,. Not all of the situations i described apply to all people with BPD. One must only have 5 symptoms out of 9 to quailfy for a diagnosis and the combinations of those 5-9 are seeningly endless. Many thanks Sophie
Posted on: Tue, 28 Oct 2014 18:58:05 +0000
Trending Topics
Recently Viewed Topics
© 2015