doomsday or.....???? 6/6/11 it even has an ominous sound to it. 6/6/11.......i call that day my doomsday. prior to that, i was living my life as a new jersey tiger mom. my eldest son was in a national commercial for samsung, signed with a top agent in nyc, one of the masters favorites in karate, took piano, chess, breakdancing, theater, magic, chess lessons all while making sure his grades were at an A average and any extra time was spent reading or doing kumon workbooks at barnes and noble. my youngest, 5 at the time, started freelancing with a modeling agency and going out on calls, played baseball, started karate, attended art lessons and in our spare time i made home made math index cards to flip while reading aloud the best caldecott winning books a child could imagine. sound exhausting? it gets better! i still found time to volunteer at every event at their elementary school as being the treasurer of the PTA had to collect and count money after events! at sunday school, not only was i the treasurer for the PTA but then ran for the Board of Overseers and became the Chief Overseer all while maintaining a spotless home, a clean rabbit cage, home cooked meals at 6 pm sharp after going to the gym 5 days a week for zumba and yoga as well as finishing up my bachelors at rutgers. then, 6-6-11 happened. oh this will be an in and out surgery. we will remove the peritoneal inclusion cyst which is causing you discomfort. 3 day stay tops. i felt something was wrong the day before as my intestines usually go into frozen bowel mode after anesthesia. i called my surgeon with my concerns and he reassured me this would be a simple procedure. when i woke up in the recovery room, i was alive and well...no more than well, i felt great. they quickly sent me to my room and as i was feeling fine, all caregivers left for the evening. then, night fell. i woke up to horrific pain and filling up bed pan after bed pan. i was shipped out of my double room (my room mate caroline and i are besties to this day) and placed in an isolated private room. the nasogastric tube was put in and the vomiting was not controlled even with the tube and zofran pumped in my veins and there i waited and waited in horrible abdominal pain for this to pass. the days went by and i met some more ibdfamily, fabian and his mom rose, meghan and juan. however, the pain was not passing and diagnostic tests revealed a completely frozen bowel as if someone poured concrete on it explained one of the surgeons. after 2 weeks of waiting, i was brought in for another abdominal surgery to cut some adhesions and the surgeons manually untwisted my bowels. i was now on a central line in my neck for feedings and very weak and completely crushed. i missed my noahs kg graduation (if i knew i would have been in this long, i would have scheduled the surgery after that once in a lifetime event which i still hear about. i was the only one without his mom there. what do you say to that? little did i know, the next three years not having a very voracious pta mom there for her childrens school and after school events became their norm. there is a lot of healing to be done here ....not only for me.) and he celebrated his 6th birthday, june 21, in the mount sinai hospitals family room. i couldnt even eat the cake he kindly offered. then, something happened, after i woke up from my next surgery, i was still not well. the ng tube stayed in and came out and in and out and i started to projectile vomit green.....exorcist pea soup girl had nothing on me. i was scheduled for my third surgery and this is the first time i felt a fear like no other. i heard now i was high risk but more tests showed a few more areas of complete obstruction. when i heard you will be going into your third surgery (it was now into july), i couldnt breathe and only found the word, no. and i repeated that. no, no, no, no. until the meds took effect and i fell asleep. helpless and hopeless i was prepped a few days later for my third surgery and i smelled danger. i am not one to speak of God often but He has been always looking out for me...always. when i know i cant take anymore, whether physical, emotional or just hardships, things always ease up. i am so grateful for that so so so very grateful. i am grateful for the lessons of the hardships and i am grateful for the lifting when i am sure if i put one more stick on my back i would break. at night, i was told to change into the hospital gown as i would be going into surgery in the AM. something happened that night. my pain let up and the vomiting ceased. i texted my head surgeon to come visit me before surgery. i hadnt walked a step for over 40 days but i met him in the hallway, i changed into my non hospital gown gear and i was greeted with a huge smile and as we walked to the nurses station, i heard him say, there will be no surgery today. i was sent home with a picc line which wasnt removed till september. however, i was home and i could now go back to my life and back to life i went. mikail was starting 4th grade and noah in 1st. my pta activities started up and i applied and got into kean college for my teachers certification and after baking 8 different kinds of holiday cookies, wrapping my parents gifts, and handing out cupcakes to noahs first grade, it struck me. that pain. its not dull. it is sharp, intense and slightly feels like a knife that was jabbed in but keeps on jabbing and then the vomiting started. scenario. hand out cupcake. go and vomit. rinse out mouth. wash hands. hand out cupcake. hand out cupcake. go and vomit. rinse out mouth. wash hands. after i got thru half of the class, the teacher told me i looked green and asked if i was okay. i said, im fine. and went to go vomit. when i came back, she handed out the rest of the cupcakes and said thank you for volunteering. i drove straight to the hospital ER. i was admitted and this was one of my longest stays of my life. i was there from december 23, 2011 to march 1, 2012. holidays in the hospital, new years in the hospital, mikails birthday in the hospital....the list goes on. the adhesions were back but the kicker was, the thing that truly broke my spirit, the peritoneal inclusion cyst which was removed on june 6 the surgery which was supposed to be a 3 day stay, the surgery that caused more surgeries and more adhesions, was all for nothing. the cyst not only was back but double in size. i withdrew and became silent. i didnt know what was happening and couldnt do anything to stop it from happening. the surgeons didnt want to go back in and i was now a pariah, an untouchable and high risk. on april 16, 2014, after almost three years of a very compromised and poor quality of life, i did have surgery. i have two benchmarks. my first benchmark is to reach a 6 week mark (my threshold after dec 2011 became at most 5 weeks 4 days) and the next benchmark will be to reach a 6 month mark to fully feel secure that new adhesions are not going to creep up like they did on dec 23, 2011. ironically, i will reach 6 weeks out of the hospital this coming friday and as life seems to do this to me lately, it just so happens to be on my doomsday june 6 but this time, the year is 2014. and perhaps, just perhaps, this june 6 doomsday is meant to be june 6, the day i made it past my first benchmark. turning a very black day into a white one.....a day of happiness, a day of a new definition of june 6. can this be? will it happen? check back with ya on friday! and if you dont see me on facebook, you will be able to find me dancing in the streets or perhaps just laying down on the grass and looking up at the sky for this beautiful gift given. lets see :)
Posted on: Sat, 31 May 2014 22:50:44 +0000
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