https://youtube/watch?v=APoRFLtD8z4 I practice the art of writing what is important every morning I wake. It is how I become a better writer. Thanks for being my audience today. Couple nights ago I had a conversation with a dear friend who is doing this personal power course. We are both doing it. The goal of the course is to create relationships based on a mutual desire to live without fear holding you back. A life without the smothering effects of fear, is, a life you love. The course is called, Calling in The One. We were told that memories of past relationships would come up. They come up so that we can let go of them. One of them is coming up. During our conversation with my friend a memory of a girlfriend from 15 years back came to mind. A relationship that lasted one year. When I met her she was an entrepreneur with her own successful business, an athlete, part time fashion model, and a single mother in love with her young children. She had the intellect, the grace of movement, a seeming fearlessness that overcame any pragmatic obstacle that stood in her way. I could have spent a life time enjoying her companionship and growing our lives together. And she loved me deeply. Oh yeah. Very much. When I met her we talked about our lives and what motivated us. I even placed her and she me through an interview. We talked for dozens of hours about things important to us during our first dates. At one point I explained how whenever I sensed the beginning edges of a fear in any area of my life, then that is the direction I begin to walk. Fears, I have discovered, tend to veil the very things in life I deeply wish for. As far as I am concerned my choice is simple. Run from fear and it grows like a cancer, eventually consuming everything in my thoughts, or face it and learn to dismantle it until I get the life I want. Fear causes suffering. I hate suffering, I explained this all to her. Her reply to my declaration of no fear, was these words. Steve, as you are filled with an unstoppable spirit I live saturated in fear. This made absolutely no sense to me. I didnt think she had any fears. She seemed fearless. Once, as she relaid to me over dinner, a guy earlier that same day in the traffic behind her went into road rage at a stoplight. She got out of her car and in her little skirt and high heals ran back to his car, kicked his door in and told him to can it. He did. He rolled his window up and locked the door. And that was so completely her. But when it came to love she was terrified. That is how she put it. She said so one night as we discussed an explosive rage she went into that day, and it was over nothing that I could understand. What caused that anger? I needed to know. She broke into tears. She explain it with one word: fear. She would not be more specific than that. Yet she explained that sometimes she just wanted to lift the door to her heart off it hinges and throw it down to let in my love. As she put it, she had never met a man like me. I do what any man would do when he wishes to express his growing feeling for his hearts desire. I sent her poems, dropping them off after a martial arts classes so that she would find them on her car window first thing in the predawn morning before work. I created paintings using her as my model. I enjoyed her children and we frequently planned dates around them. When she needed a mentor for her nine year old son I would a spend a few hours each week to just hang out with him and create art. I taught him the art of making prayer sticks, wrapping feathers with colored thread on the end of a twig while also putting a wish in the stick. It was a ritual I learned from the Lakota Indians in books. It made him feel calm, he said. That was my hope. He was cool kid. As an instant family we would go on picnics, go camping or just stay home on a Saturday nights playing games, creating crafts beside the fire place. Often I would bring my goddaughter over to join in the fun. I wasnt unlike other men. I was just a man unstoppable in attaining anything he wanted. This was no accident. At the time I was in a personal power course called Landmark in which each participant made it their intention to create a life they love and they live that life powerfully. But here is how her fear took over. Knowing how much she loved the ballet, she had been a dancer, I purchased some tickets weeks in advance to the Nut Cracker Suite for the family. The evening of he show she came over to my house with her children all dressed up and then announced that she couldnt go. Something came up. She wouldnt tell me what. These kinds of things had happened several times. Last half minute cancelations. When I would press her for a reason, she would go into the offense. Anger. I got tired of many last minute cancelations and then attacks when I wanted explanations. She used her anger at anyone who got close, except her children. She had only love for them. Which is why I stayed so long. I saw that love for her children, the way they truly felt safe and cared for her in her presence, and I would stay. It wasnt till the end that she confessed what that fear was. In tears one morning she came and sat down next to me to talk. Her daughter had to have a small operation. I said ok. I told her I would be there for her. She smiled and placed her hand in mine. She thanked me but that wasnt it. Claustrophobia, she said. She was terrified of spaces; rooms, corridors, restaurants, concert halls, you name it. She was so ashamed of her fear that she could not tell me. Not tell anyone. She knew that she would be unable to walk down the corridor into the post op room to see her daughter without panic overwhelming her heart. She knew that she would have to run out of the room. It was the love for her daughter and not wanting to break her daughters heart that finally caused her to open up and trust me. It became very clear to me then why she canceled so many indoor events for a whole year. Her business was always conducted out doors in a coffee stand. My heart was filled with compassion and I renewed my choice to be with her. I helped walk her through her daughters surgery. All went well for a short time. But then, after the crisis, she stopped attempting to transform her fear and allowed it to consume her mind all over again. Her addiction to anger was still a trigger instinct. Old habits die very hard. I lasted another month until every good feeling for her was gone. I had to leave. Now here is the pivotal point. I invited her personality into my life. I could have chosen someone without the overwhelming fear that leads to anger. For a couple reasons. To learn compassion through the process of understanding what motivated angry people. And the other is to learn what not to choose in a girl friend But how do you know what not to do till you have done it. A friend in college had gone through a breakup with his girl friend. Always the philosopher, he told me that there was a silver lining in that heartbreak. With his heart on the table, as he put it, one has the opportunity to look at what keeps it beating. Remove what doesnt work and build what does. That can only happen when the heart is laid out through disappointment. At the end of our conversation the other night my friend told me that she was proud of me. Those words warmed me. Made me glad that I was sharing this course with her. movingfastsittingstill.net On the other hand, there is Johnnyswim. Now there is an example of two soul mates ahead of most including me who understand this thing called love.
Posted on: Tue, 11 Nov 2014 19:12:46 +0000
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