i ache with longing, with an emptiness for the moments i missed because of this disease, so here’s to the moments that have been pulled from my fingers due to my own weakness to every slice of cake i didn’t believe i earned despite the fact food should never be considered ‘deserved,’ to every snack i turned down and every midnight binge that i cried through, to every bag of popcorn or carrots or every other safe food i swallowed eighty four servings of to every party i was invited to but couldn’t go because the idea of being around people made terror rip up my throat, to every occasion i played sick for because i knew there would be a crowd, to every class i skipped because i was too scared to admit i needed more time to do the homework to every family meeting that i sat outside of because i never felt like i belonged in this house, to every joke that i should have found funny, to every forced laugh and smile and to every time i still got out of bed no matter how heavy my eyelids felt, to every friend i pushed away, to every evening i could have loved myself but instead spent hours fighting down the urge to start bleeding goodnight to you, and rest well. one day i am going to get better and i will meet all of you, i will meet all of you with a light heart finally swept clean, i will meet every ice cream sundae with a spoon instead of self-hate, i will be brave in the face of my anxiety, i will be strong in the face of my addictions. i will see the sunrise after sleeping, not because i have yet to go to bed. i will take walks and feel nature crawl into my bones, i will hush the voices inside of my head. i will write poetry and less and less of it will be sad until eventually i am free, until eventually i can live happy, so to every unanswered text, to every dinner, to every road trip, to every missed opportunity
Posted on: Tue, 25 Mar 2014 23:11:41 +0000
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