i have spent an uncomfortable percentage of the last several years wishing that something could happen to justify my nonexistence but even in the course of that, the only thing i want is to be the kind of person that, if it were to happen, suddenly or not, that at least someone would be able to express my sentiment, or acknowledge that i was here, to someone else with something positive. but then its redundant and arrogant to expect that i could live in permanent fixation on the idea that i could throw everything away if i had /just one good reason/ to do so that could actually transcend the limit set by the worth i put in my inability to learn from my mistakes. i unconditionally default to i am elsewhere, constantly trying to defend my train of thought with the idea that maybe im just overwhelmed by my lack of focus on whatever it may be that im doing. the reality is that i have learned only how to lie to myself, and not how to actually do anything beside take up space and wish that something could replace me. isnt it funny!! i could preach on enlightenment but i could tell you why i hate the idea of god; i could demand love from something but prove no devotion but to the sole idea that i feel something is owed to me; i can claim that im doing something to grow but not remember the epiphany it gives me; i can tell you i love you but worry that i dont but for the sake of a happiness in me that i still manage to distrust; i can claim to see anything with impartiality but simultaneously have too little and too much conviction to do anything with any quantity of information -- i am a terrible amalgamation of half-formed ideas made of dichotomies i thought were interesting once and can no longer remember why. i diametrically oppose myself with every. single. goddamn. thing. that i have ever done (and probably ever will?) because i am scared to death of making any decision, of saying any thing, for fear of being wrong when /the concept of language itself makes it inevitable/ and i dont know how to do anything except sleep and if i have ever wronged you i am sorry, i am trying have tried will try but i dont know what im doing, and i cant fall asleep
Posted on: Sun, 26 Jan 2014 12:06:33 +0000
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