i wish life had a refresh button. i could use that right now. its 7am and i have not even tried to sleep yet. just been up, playing games with my life, and digging myself a hole. its a big hole and i seem to be making it worse. how do you fix something thats so far gone?! what is stopping me? its either pride that tells me that im not wrong and to keep on the path, or a defeatist attitude that tells me that ive lost anyway and to make it as dramatic and futile as possible. or maybe i just need the pain of losing so that i can keep playing the victim. what ever it is, it has me all twisted up inside and now im just dreading the harsh reality that is about to face me. today could be really bad. i need time to think, but decisions will be made and there is no time. a soldier should not march into battle on an empty stomach, and i think the same sort of theory should apply here... hasty decisions that will change the course of your life should not be made on an empty heart. if i cant turn this around and fast, i might have to fall off the map once again. its just too embarrassing to own up to and have to face. its an embarrassment to myself, my name, my family and anyone that i have to look in the eyes, to be honest. its not what i want, i dont want it to be this way, so however it turns out, just know that. i dont understand myself, i just fake it so well. so strong, resiliant, but calm and collected... yeah... im the zen master... slowly building my castles on the sand. all my efforts, for an empire that was built to fall. this is the way i feel. too honest? probably could have been kept to myself instead of shared with over 1,000 people that have there own problems. i know... but o-well. i could use a prayer. nothing short of a miracle will work. i need to pull it together somehow, i just dont want to lose... perhaps ill sleep on it.
Posted on: Fri, 05 Jul 2013 12:43:13 +0000
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