ill admit it, my immediate default feelings were impotence, fear, cowardice, resignation 2 the perspective that we were too outgunned, hopeless in the thought that death-by-cop-&-by-the-people-protected-by-cops was just a fact of our lives. simultaneously, i felt anger, deep set, bordering on rage, not only at a system that devalues & discards us in our faces on an everyday basis, but even that those of us w/ a more pronounced warrior spirit can only think 2 go all the way 2 #ferguson 2 stand in front of an armed & activated enemy militia in a posture of surrender. but, really, my anger is at myself, 4 being an accepting victim, 4 succumbing 2 the programming that that tells me i just have 2 take it & keep it moving, that i have actively distracted myself w/ all manner of BS just not 2 feel the quandary of what Black manhood really is if we cant/dont/wont protect it. i am no longer escaping. i just have 2 figure out the most effective response. in the meantime, i need 2 train myself out of having propagandized eyes, out of automatically believing the worst of myself & those who look like me, out of accepting a loss b4 i get up 2 fight 4 the things i believe in & the people i love. yeah…i need 2 learn how 2 really love me, 1st & then everyone like me as a new default mode. bcuz if i could just view all of this thru a clear & staunch love 4 self, everything will look different. & then i can make moves based in that love. the greatest warriors fight 4 something that matters 2 them. & we really matter 2 me.
Posted on: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 13:53:04 +0000
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