in a few short hours it will be the one year anniversary of the call telling me to come to the hospital...my mother passed away... the pain of it has been building up...and as i slow down and allow myself to think..to feel... i feel a tightness in my chest... it hurts to breath.. the pain is there again. a feeling that part of me has been ripped away... the sense of loss and being set adrift.... the sense that everything is unreal, until i walked into the room and saw her..touched her hand... trying to be strong.. whispering, I love you, Ma as I feel my grasp on everything start to fall away and I have to walk outside...fast forward a few days and there we are at her memorial..seeing how far her reach was by the looks on the faces of those gathered by the tears and the mix of sadness and admiration as poeple talked about her or watched the memorial video... fast forward again, and there we are for the brief service.then on to the cemetery... standing there shivering from the cold and the loss... then helping roll the coffin to the graveside... the whole situation making clear to me the difference between family and relatives.. I looked back and knew there were times I disappointed her and I felt shame and sadness... and then i saw the times that I made her proud, and I soared briefly...which only made the sadness sharper more real... She gave me life... she helped shape so much of who and what I am... she set me off on so many of the paths I traveled, for good or ill... she lived a bit through my leaps of faith and cheered when they worked and consoled me when they didnt. I was there for her first time eating chinese food.. her first time going to the beach.. and I cherish those memories because I got to see her live beyond herself and enjoy the victories those represented to her... and I know she lived vicariously, achieving measures of her passed over dreams when I went to college, then graduated with each degree.. I know that she lived a little bit more as I shared my travels overseas with her through gifts, and pictures and phone calls..knowing that she would have loved to travel more if she had been able to.. Knowing this made those times in the Marshall Islands and Kuwait even more special and meaningful to me than they already were... The chance to extend her love of Christmas to the soldiers and civilians that worked on the bases with me; to extend mas idea of what constitutes family during the holidays to people from all over the world, most of whom I probably would never see again... but for that time, they were family to me.. in memory of those holidays with her house filled with people, sometimes almost beyond count; no one was turned away and no one was a stranger.. in time, when she was able to let me see myself through her eyes at least a little, I was able to be proud of myself... the good parts of me, they came from her...the hard parts that have softened, also part of her gift to me... the resolution, the curiosity, the determination..all of that she honed in me because she felt she lacked them in herself at times... and I hope that through my words and actions she realized that the things she praised in me were just mirrors of those that existed in her.... I love you, Ma... I miss you and I thank you for all you have given to me and all you still give to me. and, as you always tried to teach us and remind us, I am thankful for my family that remains..... when i am with them, you are even closer to us..to me...
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 03:44:02 +0000
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