ok ive debated on posting this because whats she says has become true of my post.. but please if you refuse to read any of my post on this subject please read this one. this is one of the main reasons when everyone was advising me to just take it down that i had to keep it going...this is very touching story and im not afriad to admit when i recieved it in the middle of the night i cried like a baby! its def worth the read.... Jason thank you for listening to my story tuesday night. this has been a very hard process for me and while i dont want my whole story posted publicly or my name put out because of the things i told you i was going through with the ex husband and the fact that i would never want my two kids to find out that there was a point of my life that i wasnt putting them first. Its been weighing very heavily on my heart the past 2 nights of whether i should share my story. I will give this advice, its just my opinion, but there really is no point in keeping this conversation going because it has turned into the one thing you ask everyone not to turn it into, drama and arguments.but after seeing your intentions being attacked i decided to go through with it because i do understand where you were coming from although you used the wrong wording and im sharing my story only because i agree with you that their are people to need to hear my story and get my perspective but first and foremost i want my kids to be protected from any negativity it might cause. So im going to allow you copy this message only and post without mentioning any names. Last saturday the worst day of my life after the thought of suicide had played over in my mind time and time again, i was finally to that breaking point and had decided that after i got my kids to bed i was going to make that decision. All day saturday i was just in a trance almost completely seperated from everything in the world that was going on around me, including my kids. they continued asking me what was wrong and i just acted like a zombie, not even able to answer their question. I put them to bed and immediately broke down crying more than i ever had before, i knew this was it, i had finally reached that moment. Pulling a bottle of pain pills out of my bahtroom cabnet i just sat there in this deep dark place that is impossible to even attempt to make anyone else understand. Luckily i decided to take a warm bath trying to make myself think of ways to talk me out of it. Pill bottle sitting on side of bath tub staring at it non stop was like i had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. unfortunately the devil won the battle this time, or so i thought. As i sit on the edge of my bed crying out hopelessly i emptied the bottle of pills out on my night stand. As i go to grab a handfull i hear my 6 yr old coming down the hall crying. I ask her what was wrong, she had had a bad dream. She came and put her arms around me and said mommy why are you crying, which really made me lose it at this point.Then she said the words that saved my life, its okay mommy im not scared anymore i know im safe here with you. Hit me like a ton of bricks, and made me realize how many times in my daughters lifetime would there be instances that things would just be okay if i were there to comfort her. At this moment im not sure whether my tears were tears of happiness or sorrow, my daughter then ask me, what are these, refferring to pills on my night stand, i replied thats mommies happy medicine, she looked at me with confusion and said well then why dont you take one silly head? The instant unexplainable pain was like a knife driven straight into my stomach. How could i ever leave my children with that much pain to bear? Now dont get me wrong the struggle is still there and i immediately sought out for help the next morning, but the daily thought of next time my little girl just needs her mommy to be there to get her through something, that was almost completely stripped from her that night. now if thats not something to think about then im not sure how else to get through to someone, but just know that although everyday is a struggle that God has plans for you that are beyond your understanding and the people that go through the biggest hardships in life are the people God has very specific plans for. Why sitting here saying it was the worse day of my life i can also say it was a day that gave me the best wake up call of my life and although i know its going to still be a struggle, there is no doubt im going to change my life for the better. I hope this has touched someone that might be going throught the very same thing i have been. Thanks to all you for listening!
Posted on: Thu, 14 Aug 2014 21:36:31 +0000
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