ok so been doing a lot of thinking and last night i wrote something that i needed to say for a long time but was struggling to put it into words. it is not my intention to offend anyone it is to help me on my path of healing. so my councellor suggested that i try writing to try and help me to deal with everything that has happened and to proccess my thoughts, feelings and emotions in a healthy, constructive, positive and healing way. i have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, hypervigilance as well as the physical and hormonal issues associated with polycystic ovarian syndrome. i am in no way looking for sympathy or making excuses for my behaviour or attitudes towards people in general so basically saying what you see is what you get. before people get on the defensive just know this i have owned what happened to me and so this is my way of dealing. a fractured family from the get go who initially said that they would look out for me then decided that it was too hard and gave up. im sorry but what 4 - 4 and half year old would not be confused at their parents splitting up. a father that was doing his best and owned up to his mistakes and then was not supported which in turn left me at the mercy of the system. nana and grandad were the only two people that i ever felt wanted to look after me but i guess that was not always true. the records that i gained from the system through the freedom of informations act filled in a lot of the missing pieces in my childhood but also left me with a lot more questions. now the above has not left me angry but more dissappointed that the people that are my blood family are more like strangers then anything else and dissappointed that they couldnt get their act together enough to push aside their differences to help me have a secure upbringing. for the discussions that occured to decide without my knowledge for me to go to australia, i was old enough to make that decision myself being told that it was a holiday when it wasnt was a complete betrayal of my trust. For the 13 years of hell that i went through there, there is only one person that i have complete and utter hatred for not only did he steal my childhood but he also stole my family and put severe limitations on my future through academic paths and also through the mental and psychological damage he has caused. the sentence that he got was no where near what he should have got which has made the healing proccess so much harder. the blatant lies and games has made it hard to trust anyone. i sought help for myself with councelling and also with medical professionals as i have had suicidal thoughts and so i am doing what i have to to get better. its going to be a long hard road and so i am just asking that you be patient with me as i go down this road. i want to thank my amazing fiance Greig Corlett and his family for all of the love support and encouragement towards me and also my close friends for always being there for me and finally i want to say to myself i am loved, i am beautiful, i am strong and i will get better. also if anyone takes offence to this then thats ok as it is not about you it is about me and how i am going to move foward from this to a posiitive and happy future, spending it with my best friend and soon to be husband :)
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 18:32:08 +0000
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