thoughts for today....even before we left Boston, I prayed and prayed for God to show me what He wants me to do...I didnt want to have a job just to go to work, or just to have something to do. I wanted to make a difference, to let Him work through me, to be a vessel for the blessings that I know that you can receive through someone else, as we were on the receiving end of so many times. I really didnt even care if it was cleaning the floors at Burger King.....While in Boston I put myself in the position of trying lots of different avenues to see what the best fit would be, and although I loved what I did in my last job with Burlington Labratories I always felt like there was something else that I was supposed to be doing, and I couldnt quite put my finger on it. I tried working with special needs, went to classes to do respite for the disabled community, and even tried one on one with taking care of a disabled child. Although I enjoyed all of these, nothing seemed like it was the right fit. I have spent a lot of time talking with God not only in helping me through the process of losing Kyle Ray, and it has taken me awhile to get to the point where you give everything over to Him, completely. We as humans try to take care of things ourselves, and we think that we have to help Him in what He is doing, and finally learn patience, what it truly means to have faith, and to rely completely on something that you cannot see or touch. I kept telling Kevin that my utopia job would be working with organ donation, because I would love to help other people walk through the end of life process and help them with their grief...there is so much healing in losing your loved one and no one can tell you they understand if they have not been there and sat in your seat before. I knew, too, that I wanted to help others just like Kyle Ray...I miss him oh so badly but I do know that he is waiting for me and that the next time I see him it will be forever, for eternity. I say all of that to say this: Trust in Him, that He will put you exactly where you are supposed to be. He knew that I needed time to heal my heart that will always be broken, but He also knew that I needed to see other things so that I could take my life experiences and put them to use somewhere else. I must say that I have found my Heaven on earth in a dementia/alzheimers unit. The precious souls in there remind me so much of my Kyle Ray...I laugh all day, hug on them, love on them, and listen to their stories. I watch them and help them as they walk with their walkers, scoot down the hall with their wheelchairs and my heart smiles as I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Although I am the med tech with giving them their meds, taking their blood, giving them their shots and doses of insulin, enemas, etc....I love being around all of them. It is like I am surrounded by 40 Kyle Rays.....I cannot even begin to tell you what it is like to be around these precious souls and how I look forward to jumping out of bed and going to work. I could almost move in with these people and live happily ever after and be so content...now I have the best of all of my worlds together....and I have such a wonderful hubby that not only supports me in finding my way, but joins me as I go. When Kevin Landers is in town he stops by...he loves being around it just like I do...Kyle was such a precious gift to us, and in helping care for him for 21 years God was setting me up for what I was going to be doing to help so many others...God is good...trust in Him and what He has planned out for your life. Things do fall into place...it may not happen on our time schedule ~ I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was just frustrated with how long it was taking for Him to take care of things, so Kevin and I would try and do it ourselves. Well, I am here to tell you that you will just get all that more frustrated when things dont turn out like you wanted...so just give it to Him, let Him do the work and you just keep plugging along and keeping the faith. There is so much healing in knowing that you are doing Gods work, you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, and that life could not be more perfect. We will always, always, always miss our sweet boy, our little man, and we will always keep his memory alive in all that we do...and as our patients go up one by one and tell Kyle Ray what momma is doing to help others....I hope that he swells with pride in knowing that he alone is the reason that in the end...I found my way.
Posted on: Thu, 28 Aug 2014 12:17:34 +0000
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