up. down. up. down. down. down...such a ride. Sometimes I feel pretty amazing, and then - something hits me sideways. And then I get scared. I really dont know if people get my situation. I need a miracle at this point because the medical profession is coming up empty - as far as I am concerned, any way. I feel like I am walking on the most unsteady ground. There are questions and potential issues I havent even looked at. But they are there, lurking in the background. So much goes against how I feel. And I think I am doing the right thing. I think it is one part believing in a miracle, one part acceptance that if its my time, then its time, and one part art - the bringing together of things in a way that make no sense as they begin to formulate what will be the outcome, things that may be no where near where the final will be. All parts filled with the unknown. I still need help. I dont know who sees what/when, so please forgive the possible repetition. Thank you so much to those who have helped. Anyone inclined to help, there are 3 options, Paypal, GoFundMe and through the Cancer Support Foundation. The last option is a tax deductible option. You can see details here anewme515.blogspot/2013/10/about-triphow-to-donate.html I know it may seem like all I am is about cancer, and its negative aspects, but there is so much more to me and my situation. There are too many who are in my predicament - and worse because people have no clue of what is really happening. So much of life is like that, actually. Seth Rogan was not too happy for the lack of interest/support for those dealing with Alzheimers. It is hard to face lifes starker realities, and maybe we dont need to face them all. But when something or someone shows up and speaks to you on some deeper level, instead of letting fear scare you away, consider taking a stand, and seek to understand, and be empathic. There may come a time you will learn all too well what people in my sort of predicament fear - and it is not so much the disease - although it can be quite frightening - but more how they will be treated or ignored as a result of a label cancer. The possible ramifications keep people silent, while many times they likely should - and need to - scream, and more. Their seeming brave face may be a layer of protection. If they act OK then others may be OK, too. This is not to say it is in every case, but I bet in more than you realize, and definitely more than you may want to acknowledge. Who wants to deal with the pain? The thing is, someone dealing with cancer has no choice but to face it over and over and over. How you are with someone in that position has the ability to make things better, or make them harder. How do you know the difference? Odds are if it has to do with you, it will be harder. If it is about them (find out what they need, and if you can - give it to them), you can make a world of difference sometimes in the simplest of ways. If you focus on your fears, your excuses will become walls. If you focus on love you will find a way around or through the debris field. Odds are good, too, that the more uncomfortable you are with something, the more rewarding it will be to face it head on and get to a new understanding with whatever it is. Whatever we run from owns us. And that has to do with a lot more than just cancer. It is about life. It is about our ability to be more than alive. It is about our ability to live. You may think cancer is about death, but truly, it is fear that is death. Fear stops everything in its tracks. With that, I feel better than I did. Hopefully it means something to anyone who finds their way to this status. I know this journey is not just mine. Have a good night.
Posted on: Sun, 02 Mar 2014 04:37:11 +0000