whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking peoples hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can Herman Melville was writing in the Northern Hemisphere, of course, but the metaphor he communicated to me in my Number Theory and Cryptography tutorial is still apt. The damp, drizzly November I currently occupy makes things very difficult: difficult to get to sleep in the evening and get out of bed in the morning; difficult to raise my chin and look people in the eye; difficult to be enthused or motivated for even the smallest tasks where I feel Im clambering up a steep, muddy slope while each foothold might give way. I realise it makes me difficult: difficult to be around and deal with and that I must seem so burdensome during the episodes when I cant quite maintain the facade. When I cant give an honest answer to hows Uni? or whats work like? because no other response is really expected or welcome or I am too exhausted to elaborate. When my foibles and errors, no matter how small, outweigh any good I think I am doing. Occasionally, though, a moment of laughter or a few words of gratitude outshine hours of anguish. That explains what I would like from you (as I am notoriously bad at asking for anything): the patience and grace to be with me during a month-long drizzle even for just one minute of sunshine. Please dont leave me out in the rain because you think my attitude belongs there: keep me with you undercover. I may not feel like talking or smiling, but it matters to me when you make it known that I matter to you. I keep myself busy, though, and my diary is thoroughly organised and scribbled in. It takes a while, but I can still get out of bed each morning. Writing this piece has helped a little, too. Invite me to things and I will do my best, but please dont be offended if I turn you down. whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul...I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can - even if it thunderstorms, we blow off-course, or you get seasick: I still want to voyage with you in my grand adventure.
Posted on: Mon, 25 Aug 2014 04:43:31 +0000
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