who is this little wooden liar with the long diseased nose that is right it is pinocchio from the fun family film that is called pinocchio and the web of lies. if you havent seen pinocchio and the web of lies before then you are missing out on one of the best films about lying that has been made in the past 20 years and as soon as it begins it shows pinocchios dad gepetto carving pinocchio out of a garage door and he is saying i cant wait to have a son of my very own hehe fathers day is going to be brilliant this year and then when he has finished slicing pinocchio into the perfect boy shape that he prefers a fairy god mother floats down from heaven on a big sheet of plastic that she pulled off someones roof and she casts a spell on pinocchio that instantly makes him come to life but it is probably the biggest mistake that she has ever made because she has basically just given birth to the biggest liar that the world has ever known and my best bit in the whole of the film is when pinocchio is at his school and he is going around telling everyone that he is michael cera from the film juno and everyone is dead impressed with him and pinocchios friend jiminy cricket who is basically just a lizard wearing a top hat says god pinocchio i cant believe you are actually michael cera and you didnt even tell me haha i cant believe it and pinocchio says you betta believe it baby and then he does a massive wooden laugh that sounds like someone scraping the top of a fireplace with a wet piece of velcro and his nose grows a bit but no one notices because they was so impressed that he is michael cera and then when pinocchio is walking home after school he tells his friend ryan that he directed the film marley and me and ryan says christ sake pinocchio youve done a lot with your life havent you and pinocchio says yeah well if you are a millionaire actor you can afford to do a lot of things cant you and then his nose grows even longer and he says oh just ignore that it is nothing and his friend ryan says its pretty hard to ignore that mate your nose just grew the length of a car and pinocchio says yeah well i have got 10 cars at home anyway so i dont even care and then his nose grows even longer and it stabs ryan through the middle of his face and everyone starts screaming and calling pinocchio a murder so pinocchio runs back to his house as fast as his little wooden legs can take him and when he gets home his dad gepetto says to him what the hell is wrong pinocchio why is there loads of blood and bits of skin all over the end of your nose and pinocchio says it is nothing just leave me alone and gepetto says did you kill someone at school and pinnochio shakes his head really slowly which makes his nose knock loads of vases off a shelf and gepetto grabs pinocchio and he shakes him and he screams just tell me the ruddy truth you stupid son of a birch did you kill ryan and pinocchio says no i didnt kill ryan and his nose grows even longer and gepetto says you do realise that everyone can see when you are lying and pinocchio says shadappa yah face you italian idiot and gepetto just looks at pinocchio silently for abut a minute and then he takes off one of his shoes and he starts beating pinocchio with it and he screams stop lying stop lying stop lying stop lying and then as pinocchio yonks one final lie out of his wooden lips about being in the guinness book of records for not feeling any pain his neck snaps in half from the sheer weight of his lies and as his wooden head crashes to the ground his long thin nose snaps off and it slowly turns into a real boys nose and then right at the end of the film there is a shot of gepetto kneeling on the floor next to pinocchios body holding the real nose in his arms like a long beige baby and he is singing never had a dream come true by s club 7 to it and then the film just ends really suddenly with a close up slow motion shot of gepetto kissing and licking the end of the nose and it is such a happy ending and you should definitely have a watch of it especially if you like films that are about lying and death and wood and noses because trust me you will not regret it and that is not a lie.
Posted on: Sun, 14 Dec 2014 17:41:07 +0000
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