wow, 2014 is the year I wish I could skip... a year for me to be invisible or just get the crappy end of everything dispite all the effort I put into being an activist.... Half a dozen lists and not a mention. Here is one of the 2014 lists: buzzfeed/motha/transgender-art-culture-in-2014-15ig3 Art and Transgender? Yes, I did art and activism, but none of it was for profit... I guess I dont fit any of the criteria? (everyone on these lists do it for $$$... (I have not made a red cent in my activism including the documentary of which I actually lost money) A few of the things I did that you would think are art: 1. I did a solo ART show for The 296 Project raising about $25,000 (My art is raising money for soldiers in need which is not part of the liberal media or fashionable to most??? PTSD is not fun.) 2. Fashion Model in a magazine. Check the photo on the link: flaunt/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/3_MG_0935_V1-750x1125.jpg (Not pretty enough)... 3. Documentary Lady Valor seen on CNN by 8.7 million people in a day. (Jared Lehto is a much better transgender heroine/representative) 4 Blogs, speeches, writing articles in newspapers and magazines, doing TV and radio spots... (not good enough...) =========== 2014... the best and the worst year for me... The worst: Warrior Princess book, job, family, friends.... The best Lady Valor documentary and giving speeches at high schools and universities. Giving speeches at FBI/CIA/NRO/DIA/NSA/USAF/USMA and getting the 2014 Leadership Award from the LGBTQ Task Force and getting the courage award from West Point. Some of the great days were saving lives(hundreds of emails from people talking about my advocacy and how it affected them). Some of the best was my family, friends and other supporters. January 21st the day of the long swim... The worst thing was the book and the abuse I was continuing to endure from the publisher. I couldnt bear it anymore and have to continue to live my entire life with this over my head. I tried to commit suicide as a direct result of the book Warrior Princess. The co-author who was also the publisher definitely did a number on me. First in the small print on the contract and then with the continued harassment which continues to this day. Any royalty I would have made off a book (which I personally wrote more than half) is kept by the publisher and pays for lawyers to fight me and goes to lawyers to negotiate with hollywood to make a movie without me. The movie deal the publisher is working on is totally kept from me and written to ensure that the publisher makes ALL returns. This issue has been on my head since April of 2013 and has kept me awake at night and given me ulcers. Even with all of this I am still trying to be an activist and bring positive light to transgender issues, but it wears on me. The book contract is the most evil and vile thing that has ever happened to me in my life. I am a slave to this publisher as my entire life is forfeited and zero return or joy. The publisher makes everything. I will never forget this day. January 21st and I wrote some of what happened in one of my journals to make sure I dont forget. I was broke and just paying debt and then living out of my car for a while due to a non-profit that I was trying to start in conjunction with this evil book deal. Earlier that day I wrote a Facebook post about painting the book and trying to raise some money to get out of the red. it didnt work out and I still have a few of these painted books to this day... https://facebook/permalink.php?story_fbid=203716999833452&id=572882592732011 I was at a bar and had a few drinks. It was about 0100 (1:00 am) the bar was still open on Pass a Grille Beach and I could get the publishers face out of my head. I couldnt get over the fact that she owned my entire life story from birth to death with no end date... forever. I stripped down to just shorts and started swimming thinking I would never return. I swam and thought of my 20 years in the SEALs. The publisher now owns my SEAL and my transgender life...everything. She was in my life for 9 days and now she owns my entire story forever. How could this happen? How could a psychologist who specialized in PTSD totally use those skills to own me? The day I signed the contract for the book swirls in my mind. I was drinking heavy. I had just come out of closet that week as transgender. Lost my job to the sequester. Recently divorced(big mistake also). Lost family members who practically disowned me (I later made up with all of them). My kids wont talk to me(still barely talking). Many friends support me, but just as many turned their backs on me... My whole life is upsides down. I drank a few more beers and said fuk it I probably wont live past this year and I signed the contract with the publisher who only knew me that week of February 2013. I unkowningly signed away my life to indentured servitude with no end date and nothing in return. The publisher owns and profits 100%. I kept swimming. I thought about my family and my kids and my job and friends... I tried thinking about the positive things in my life. In the beginning of 2014 there wasnt much to look forward to... family gone or going, job lost, The book Warrior Princess was out and the worst book in the world for me. I kept swimming. Thinking about the psychologist who stole my life. This person was in Hollywood and made a deal on the CNN documentary Lady Valor and delayed the project 3 months and cost at least $100,000 in lawyers and money given to her for Producer of which nothing positive was ever offered. Just negatives in time and money. I kept seeing her name on the movie and fuming that she pushed her way into a project that had absolutely nothing to do with the book warrior princess she made money and got her name on it. EVIL seems to win? I kept swimming like the typical SEAL team long swim that some of us do... Out into the middle of the Gulf of Mexico swimming away from the lights for two hours maybe more. I lost track. I was way out in the middle of the ocean and then the fighter started to come back. I didn’t want to lose the fight. I could see the turn of florida up the gulf coast, the lights only shown barley on the horizon and blinked on and off with the waves. I started summing back. Thinking about how 2014 was going to go. I was going to fight and work on transgender rights for the military people like myself. I was going to work on my own spirituality and explore the maker and who I am and what I am supposed to do. I was going to give talks and speeches and tell my story and maybe save some lives. I was going to Harvard to talk at a conference on February 2nd... I was going to be positive and work on saving myself and others. Forget the book and start writing a new story. I made it to the beach and layer on the shore for maybe an hour and then the sun was starting to rise. Its a new day and I am going to fight because it is worth it. I met Heather Stott in April... a few months later. The best thing that happened to me :)
Posted on: Tue, 06 Jan 2015 01:14:46 +0000
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