14 kinds of Facebook people you want to block, but you can’t because they’re sort of your friends You’ve got way too many Facebook friends. You know how it is; that girl from nursery who added you; that odd bloke from the evening class you took in 2009; your mum. They’re tremendously irritating, but you put up with them. Because we’re all annoying and all stuck with each other. 1. The girl who always tells you to “Like and share if you’re against cancer” “90% of people don’t have the guts to change their FB status.” “One Like = One Prayer.” What they’re really saying is “Pay me some attention, or you’re wishing cancer upon all your loved ones. I’ll give them cancer! Acknowledge me, dammit!” 2. The stupido who always falls for the latest scam Every time without fail. Giant spiders, Satanic soft drink logos, coughing to ward off heart attacks. But don’t bother correcting them - they’ll only get defensive. “I was only trying to raise awareness!” 3. The Facebook gaming addict Mastered Fruit Ninja and Farmville and Candy Crush, but never the privacy settings, so your FB feed turns into a fruit machine of high scores and unlocked “achievements”. It’s boring to show a string of annoying alerts, so here’s a picture of Daft Punk, doing an impression of your FB feed. 4. The new exercise fan and his fancy pedometer Like the Facebook games person, but with an additional passive-aggress ive slap - nobody wants to be told “I’m so much fitter and healthier than you fat slobs”. We want to see a pedometer that detects when you’ve trod in dogshit and immediately Tweets it. 5. The lady who likes to make vague, angsty cries for help Generally starts with ‘inspirational quotes’, then escalates into nonspecific attention-seeki ng behaviour. 6. The drama queen who’s always dramatically flouncing off, but can’t resist instantly coming back to see what effect he’s had 7. The poor schmuck in a competition that depends on votes “Pleeeease like me, pleeeeeeeease. I know you already clicked like eight times and now you’re drowning in spam, but I really want this iPod.” See also, the schmuck who’s just launched their own small business and spends all day posting updates about all the fiddling they’ve done to their fan page. 8. A ‘novelty’ account for a pet / foetus / prevocal child No. As a hamster you lack the language skills necessary to impart anything worthwhile to my life. With kids, the same applies, but also at some point they’ll get it together enough to be embarrassed at this weird, fantasy version of them that you’re showing to the world. 9. The parents of a brand new baby Okay, this isn’t so bad. They’ll get back to normal soon, right? Right? Although, if all their baby pics were like this, we’d add them as friends a million times! 10. The old acquaintance who suddenly turns racist Generally this is someone you knew from school, who’s just read a shocking news story and said something deeply regrettable. Guess what, they’re no longer the little boy you used to share a sandpit with. 11. The couple who share one account There is no excuse for this unless you’re over 60. So icky - don’t you know it’s like you’re making whimsical comments while wearing a latex mask of your partner’s face? 12. The loser who photographs their dinner Especially annoying if they have a terrible camera. Combines boring and gross. 13. That guy who posts way too much Get a life! Note that “too much” is defined as “more than you”. 14. Someone who has genuinely achieved something worthwhile in their life These people are the worst. They should stop making us feel bad |@m=====MOHÌb
Posted on: Fri, 07 Jun 2013 11:39:51 +0000