30 days of real day 2: im more real at night. i wanna be famous but i cant decide what for. it really hurts my feelings when i miss the bus, so when i walk to the bus stop i talk to myself, sometimes out loud, like theres always another bus, its gonna be okay kid, its okay and that only kinda works but it way works if i do it in my nanas voice. making eye contact and waving and talking to kids on the bus is probably my favorite kinda stuff & totally makes up for anxiety attacks getting there, especially when babies blow kisses. i intentionally change my handwriting on a continuous basis so that when i look at my journals, i can instantly place them in time. dates confuse me. all day i regretted deciding to be real on facebook thirty times in a row. i decided it was trite and vulgar, masturbatory and indulgent, obviously some sort of vain trap. what is this realness of which they speak? what is so real about anything and i had an argument with descartes and berkeley. alas, moments later i forgot this train of thought entirely, up until right now. i can close my eyes and write my foot into my mouth, watch. my thought process is like a sticky calculus. i consider myself a scientist and a mathematician at all times, just in order to come back from my dreams and get out of bed. i am constantly and utterly horrified, intrigued, tickled and perplexed by being, physical existence, my location inside this body that never goes away and this whole self thing, this me, what is it i wanna touch it who is that self where is it is it my thoughts is it the things i do is it my body is it my soul what is a soul are souls like flowers i love flowers there should be flowers everywhere always when i grow up i wanna be a poet or a criminal or a dancer and i would never live forever, i wanna die one day like everyone, but not just yet at all. i got the name of my great grandmothers father tonight, noah lee. he was born in 1906. so now i know one more of my own names. feels nice. this is too long, far too long. alas.
Posted on: Thu, 17 Oct 2013 06:35:18 +0000
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