7.29.2014 I feel as though that I am dying at this point in time. I dont know anybody else to write any words to, especially let alone to speak any words to [there are none], for I simply do not have anybody else to write to or to speak with anymore. day after day after day after day passes by here, and all that I am doing, all that my life consists of now is waking, cleaning myself, sitting down at the computer seat and watching Youtube videos [totally sick of doing this, bored of it and nothing new is offered from it], then going from one room to the next and laying down on the couch and actually daydreaming and fantasising, remembering earlier memories, and imagining a better future that of which is likely never going to come. I am physically inactive for all of the time now, I stand up and I feel weak and wish to sit or lay down immediately. when I walk from room to room I tend to appear like a sleepy and worn out zombie [I am not like this if ever when I am in a public situation though nevertheless when nobody is watching me, this is how I will to present myself]. really, this is the essence of my life, and at the same time, I have zero friendships anymore, not anybody in person remains at all whatsoever, there is no Mike Greenan anymore, or Anthony Pistotti or Ian Johnstone or of the like anymore, and likewise on the internet the experience of desolation is just as bad, on Facebook there are only 16 friends that I can even remotely tolerate having them on my list so that their posting their status updates doesnt bother me, while otherwise countless and innumerable persons on Facebook would bother me severely with their type and kind of status updates that they would post. on Youtube there is hardly anybody on it that remains, the social correspondence with me specifically and any of the others is truly finalised and the website is dead to me. were I to post a video of music or of poetry recitation, I will receive essentially zero views for all time even though I have tried everything that I could to obtain these subscribers and friends on the website so that account activity would increase to some desirable level, still nothing was to have been increased, no activity at all whatsoever from any of the others. Blogger is a dead website by essence, and that is essentially that in regard to my online presence and potential to contact any others. eHarmony was a terrible failure, that dating match website, almost every last woman on there was slave morality predicated or liberal or impossible to label even though such person was clearly liberal regardless. I will not compromise my standards neither to obtain a friend or a partner, otherwise the standard is compromised and I obtain what turns out to have been an enemy of my ideology and value system all along, and then a climactic fight and conflict will predictably break out between the two of us, and never would the partnership have worked out and then it is done and over with having failed and never having been long and securely permanently lasting. nobody knows about this but I tried contacting or getting back in touch with Megan Mauno once again after some years were to have passed before we had spoken to each other ever again, on Facebook there it was, and I had taken much labour writing a very meticulously careful and apologetic message to her, while at the same time mistakenly friend requesting her too, and so then she immediately deletes and discards the friend request and does not even read the letter I had written to her, and that is that with her, the case is closed with her in relation to me too, and never again will each other speak to each other again, ever. I had looked on the website for other earlier contacts and mysteriously either could not find them anywhere on the internet, or they turned out over the years to have been nobodies with no real creative and inspirational ambition attributable to them and would very likely just irritate the hell out of me with their specific type and kind of nihilistic and insignificant and oblivious to everything value system. Camille Shapiro I had found her on Facebook and I had written a hopeful message to her to reconvene communication and friendship with her online or wherever she is to this day, however over three months have passed since I had written that message to her and no response has mysteriously and ponderously been given back over to me, apparently she will never sign on to her account ever again, and so then that message will forever go without response from her, I will probably never see her or speak with her on here ever again. at the same time I am everywhere observant that the Creator or Lord clearly is furious with me, and that this state of His is probably the true reason why I am so utterly cut off and isolated from all of humankind, He has magically and gradually done this to me over the course of time, and not because He is blessing me because perhaps my mind functions better in solitude and isolation, no, He is everywhere knowledgeable that I am within a state of seemingly permanent excruciating pain and at the same time this has been going on for many years now, eight years to be essentially precise, and still He is only desolating me and destroying me even more and even further. I am living in a desert climate now, predicated to the fire element, the heat is utterly intolerable, I am living in a town that is in the middle of nowhere, cut off for at least sixty to seventy or so miles in diameter for anything to do or arrive at, all of the persons within this town are earth element predicated, that is, gone to waste symbolically is what these remaining human contacts mean and signify to me, everything financial has to be budgeted utterly strictly, I cannot treat myself to anything, every meal is a poor meal, I cannot dine out almost never, my car is getting older and older and many more miles necessarily have to be added onto it were I to drive anywhere outside of this town of bare amenities, cut off the abstraction is everywhere sensed very evidently apart of me, and this is clearly what the Creator has done to me, and it is everywhere evident that He is thoroughly angry with me or hates me to the point that He has willed destruction of me, even at the mere young age of 27 years, I have felt convinced for almost two years now, ever since I turned legitimately toward Him, that His judgement of me after my death is indeed thoroughly a negative one, and the more that I would turn to Him, the more only that He would destroy me, and that the less I would affirm of Him, the less that He would destroy me, however by now this is utterly impossible to do so, it is clear everywhere that He is the external threshold in contrast to me specifically, and that all benevolence to the others [never to me from Him] and all malevolence from Him likewise [always to me from Him] is the Creators will and volition alone, that there turns out to have been no independent divided Satan from the Creator Himself, and nobody that I think about believes me upon this, and would never dare to attribute to the Creator such qualities as malevolence, sick sadism, abuse, exploitation, monstrosity, villainy and so forth, to the Creator Himself, which He clearly predicates Himself toward such qualities, as demonstrated through the example of me, of my life specifically so. He writes that He hates to see haughty eyes...well then, I am the center of all of this life altogether, and at the same time He had clearly willed and generated me to identify with haughty eyes from the very beginning, it was everywhere unstoppable to manifest such qualities, all throughout my life, especially since the sixth or so year of my lifes time and age, when the piano was to have been introduced to me apart of my life. He has clearly willed and determined me to manifest haughty eyes and this from the very beginning and likely to the very end, and again, I am the center of all of this life altogether, and always was this notion everywhere recognisable and sensible to me of its truthhood, whether that I knew of it concretely and clearly or not [not is when I was before my 20th or 21st or so years, otherwise I have stumbled upon this knowledge far more clearly and far more unshakably and convincing after I were to have matured past my 20th or 21st or so years]...so, because of this knowledge, that I am the center of all of this life altogether, how could I not possibly help but display and act upon and iterate upon such qualities of self-centeredness, whether this designates that I display a negatively selfish ego or an affirmatively and benevolently selfish ego, which everywhere almost always otherwise would I clearly and evidently display an affirmative and benevolent selfish ego or self-affirmation, it is simply apart of my identity, for I am the self of all and of everything, all self designated things spring and cause from Adams will and volition, Adam is indeed the self archetype alone apart and within all of the life experience universe and every manifold abstraction and idea altogether...so naturally and inevitably was I designated to have manifest and appeared consistently and unchangeably haughty eyes, and at the same time the Lord is clearly aware that Adam would display haughty eyes throughout the vast majority of his life, helplessly would he do so, and at the same time, this Creators principles and value system stand in stark 100% opposite contrast and opposition to everything and I mean everything that Adam affirms and values and idealises [his morality is the master morality value system 100% so, I will not define any of the attributes of master morality right here and now, for that would necessitate a whole new discussion, likewise were I to define slave morality attributes as well, such value system that is clearly not that of my own, and clearly impossible for me to identify with it or to predicate myself to it, naturally or forcibly totally against my will]...where I am going with all of this writing is that my life is indeed as I sense of it probably very well over with by now and I am merely living out the final era and chapter/epoch of my life, wherein such essence of this final chapter is indeed terminal and with no hope of remedy or cure or salvation...I am 100% alone and 100% cut off and in total and complete psychological pain constantly and am weakening of physique, and am without someone in person, and it is likely thoroughly impossible that somebody new will ever step into my life again to fill that gaping, exceedingly gaping hole in my heart, having gone 27 years of a life by now and without anymore than 13 months altogether of companionship experienced together with another person, nothing more than that, and probably never any more than that, and at the same time, it appears evident that the Creator is laughing and enjoying this sick sadistic destruction of my own self and life, and negates and opposes everything attributable to my identity and to my value system, I am convinced that the Creator hates and despises conservatism and master moralistic values and aristocratic principles [the latter is everywhere evident of Him], and this is the reasoning for His having placed Adam within the 21st century worst era and epoch throughout all of human history, if in order to condition Adam naturally and archetypally to adhere to and possess top of the world value system principles and morality, and to stick him right in between a threshold of human creations that of which are everywhere thoroughly sickened and diseased with slave moralistic liberal value system principles and morality, if only in order to worsen Adams sensitiveness and torment, pain, nightmare and affliction, for it is evident that as the final era and epoch of the life experience reveals itself to have been in relation to Adam, the Creator Himself has revealed Himself instead [not what the New Testament wrote about Him] but He was to have been indeed that of a terribly vicious and malevolent monster, having successfully thoroughly enslaved Adam by now and forcing Him to do all of His bidding, that of which such bidding consists of nothing at all whatsoever but isolation and desolation and negation and confliction of value system principles and the hatred and despise administered back over to Adam from other degenerate slave moralistic creations that will and desire nothing at all whatsoever to do with Adams identity, with the identity of highness and loftiness, genuine artistic endeavours, greatness and magnificence, intelligence and genius, creativity, remembrance and imagination, and so on and so forth, likewise that of good well mannered conduct and personal carriage, which the Western citizens everywhere reject of it, in favour of this fraudulent freedom principle that signifies to mean only the averse opposition to good conduct and well mannered carriage of the person and so forth, so that essentially I will spit in your face and care less about it and rejoice at myself instead such principle embodies the essence and spirit of the post-modern third millennium Western degenerates, and everywhere the principle in opposition to this I will discuss with you, spend time with you, contemplate together with you, be patient and life long partner with you, love you eternally and so on and so forth, such principle is thoroughly despised and disgusted by the degenerates and rejected, for the degenerates suffer from a deficiency of capability to love and to concentrate and so forth [not attributable to Adams volition, but in opposition theirs such in relativity to Adams volition], they will preach that love is the universal principle of theirs to uphold and to affirm while at the same time their practice in actuality consists of thorough hatred and self destruction and universal negativity and essential anarchy and lawlessness of all states and nations across the globe. it is understood likewise that their principle live, love, laugh if it were alone and only such abstractions followed without anything else attached to such primitive principle, that indeed, universally followed, the entirety of mankind on planet earth would steadily and speedily revert themselves into that of a savage and tribal state and condition of perpetual warfare and of a nasty and brutish condition, and this such principle is found manifest and generated within a portion of the planet that is supposed to and apparently was to have been the most civilised portion of the planet altogether, but rather instead has clearly proven to have identified with the opposite, and no civility and no manhood is affirmed here anymore, instead everybody affirms of a most terribly primitive matriarchy and lawlessness and feral nature is everywhere creeping up on Western civilisation and primarily so because of this specific transition of values and morals from the prior generations altogether before the 1960s and to the values and morals from the most trifling and short lasting generations altogether after the 1960s and up to this point in our time [when Adam dies the dream and the life experience dies along together with him, therefore indeed how short lived and trifling the liberal menace and scourge was to have been in relation to this life experience]...enough, speaking of all of this brings my blood to a heated boiling state, and likewise I wish not to frustrate or irritate myself with anything at all whatsoever, I am consistently without a state of understanding, for I know better by now not to understand my opposition but rather to destroy it wherever and everywhere possible...I need help and assistance, but look at the master crying to his slaves for mercy, how contradictory this actually is, and how unnatural this is supposed to be, non-occurring it ever should have been...this is clearly the reasoning likewise why no help or assistance is being given to Adam, for again clearly there consists of Western civilisation inhabitants by now almost nothing but slave moralists and all master moralists are exceedingly few and rarely if ever found...a woman that is a master moralist herself is essentially a miraculous phenomenon straight out of a fairy tale or fantasy book, while a man that is a master moralist is more likely to be found, though he too is exceedingly rare, and at the same time I wish not to find a male master moralist but that of that exceedingly fanciful master moralist female/woman...Louise fits the description precisely, however the circumstance of her having been married and probably a little bit too old of age for Adam leaves him ultimately without her ever having been her legitimate and wedded/married partner, though nobody knows the end resolution of Adam and Louise until the end resolution, the death of either one of us, is to have been obtained...mercy is willed upon me from the Creator always that I can get myself to wish of this, however it is consistently rejected by Him as He is clearly not doing a single thing to bring me out of this ever prevailing misery, torment and suffering [such condition that has been enduring for years by now, only getting worse and worse as I age]...monstrosity He reveals Himself to have been, and nobody else will believe it, for this monster Creator is not suffering the others with curses or whatever else, He is rather instead blessing them ever the more, while when He turns His attention to me He consistently continues to curse and to hit and to pound and to boom and to desolate and to abandon and to suffer me through and through and thoroughly...degeneration of Western mankind altogether, a Creator that loves degeneration of mankind and hates and despises generation and pure loving essences [that of my formal and archetypal own], and a self archetype that is thoroughly abused and exploited by Him constantly and permanently, and is willing ever to kill himself in order to bring this life experience to a close, and not to live this life any longer than it already suffers him to undesirably endure any further, and only to return to the beginning and endure such life phenomenon all over again and within the same and exact minute detail and link, connection and relation, from the one to the next, and without any variation, ever...this is Adams life and this was to have been Adams world, and this life of Adams turns out to have been a curse, and this world of Adams likewise was to have turned out to have been a curse...prove me wrong and demonstrate to me that such assertion holds no validity...I doubt the Creator will ever do such a thing for Adam anymore...
Posted on: Wed, 30 Jul 2014 00:01:29 +0000
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