A&Im writes : Beware contains potential triggers I don’t know where to start. I am a female who is 22 years old, college student, and I do work full time. I have had problems for as long as I can remember. I started self harming around the end of 7th grade into 8th. At the time I found something to try and keep my mind off of it. The pattern was always there though when something became to bothersome I would reach for my tool of choice. I became involved in the arts and music and thought I had finally buried the demon known to some as self harming. However, it has now reared its ugly head yet again and for the past six to eight months it has been a true struggle everyday to not self harm and I have failed on many occasions. I have also begun to have some anxiety issues as well. I use to love to deal with people all the time as that is what my job involves, but now for the most part I can’t stand people. To try and curb this I have begun to exercise as I didn’t do that much before. I am running usually at least three miles a day, and walking a couple miles a day. The least I do is usually 30 minutes of running or a mile if I am tired. I also seem to be having some weight issues. I have lost about 63 pounds in the past 4 months or so, I just have no appetite at all. I am only consuming anywhere on average between 500 and 800 calories. I have started to drink at least one or two ensure drinks a day to make sure that I am getting some sort of vitamins, as well as taking a multivitamin every day. It is so hard to watch others around me eat and enjoy what they are eating. I have recently also began to purge as I am having a hard time keeping any type of food down. I now constantly have the hiccups and it makes it embarrassing to eat in front of others. So because of having the fear of hiccupping in front of others I usually avoid eating all together. I also seem to be on some sort of an emotional rollercoaster that I can’t solve. I can be sitting there and be fine and then all of a sudden I will start to cry for absolutely no reason, and I know that it is stupid but I don’t know how to make it stop. Me and my mom use to be very close like best friends, but that has all changed due to some misunderstandings on both of are parts, and the constant badgering of her calling me a drunk when that is far from the truth. I usually only have on average a couple of drinks a week if that, unless it is a special occasion then I will consume more. I have admitted my wrongs and tried to talk to her on several occasions but she won’t listen and can’t admit that she did anything wrong. I also seem to be drifting apart from the rest of my family, me and my brother are polar opposites and don’t usually talk. My grandma who lives with us sides with her daughter (my mother) on anything as it is her daughter. I work at a lovely place where I get to deal with animals that are being made ready for adoption, so I see a lot of things that the normal public would not be able to handle on a daily basis. My boss for the most part is very supportive, as she also deals with anxiety, and depression issues. I have learned a lot from her and I love her just as much as if she was my own mother. However, she is slowly seeming to get tired with what I have become, she has noticed the lack of my interest in things that I once use to love and my lack of energy due to lack of nutrition etc. She told me that I needed to go and get help for myself or I wouldn’t have a job anymore. I took her advice and went and signed up to get help at a local mental health facility. Only problem is I don’t have insurance and because of this it just makes it that much harder to get help. I have been assigned a case manager who was very nice and I talked to her for almost three hours, she went through an entire mental health evaluation with me. I will also be going in next week to talk to a person about signing up for some therapy sessions. However, the wait to see a psychiatrist is long I can’t even get an appt till the start of November. I know it is all just a start but it seems like forever and I don’t know if I will be able to last that long. Due to the anxiety of which is worse at night, I also can’t sleep. I am currently taking anywhere between 350mg and 400mg of diphenhydramine to be able to sleep. I have tried going the natural way of using melatonin, and a couple of others without success. I know the amount that I am taking is not recommended. I am just tired of thinking about being able to sleep and then not being able to, if I do fall asleep I wake at 3am and can’t fall back asleep. I am currently not enrolled for fall semester as I wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the classes. I will hopefully be able to enroll is spring semester when things get better. I also have a big change coming up within the next few weeks as I will be moving out of my current house and into an apartment that I will be watching as the person will be out of the country. Due to this move I have had to bring my animals to the rescue as the apartment I will be moving into doesn’t allow animals. I do get to see them every day as I work but it is a hard because they were always there when I got home and now they aren’t it was so bad that on my only day off which is Sundays I had to drive back to be with them because I was an emotional mess. I recently had my 22nd birthday in the start of August and I was politely told by my mother and the rest of my family that I was lucky that I received a text message from my mother stating “ I know you don’t associate with me but happy birthday anyhow!!!” I don’t think that this was deserved or needed and I politely told her that she might have well as not sent me anything and that would have been better. I just don’t know what to do it seems like everything is falling apart in front of me, and my life has become such a mess that I don’t know where to start, it also feels like I am stuck in my own head and there is no way to get away from it. I wish there was just an easy button to hit and start over. Any other suggestions would be gladly accepted, I just don’t want to feel like I am alone in this struggle with anxiety, depression, and self harming behaviors.
Posted on: Sat, 14 Sep 2013 02:00:07 +0000
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