A SHORT PLAY AHAZIAH 42m0f Elijah gets an invoice for fire & brimstone (both enter, stand on opposite ends of stage, hold phones to ears) ELIJAH - Hello. DAVE --- (holds clipboard) Hi, can I talk to the prophet Elijah, please? ELIJAH - This is Elijah. Whos calling, please? DAVE --- This is Dave down at the chemical supply house. ELIJAH - Oh, yes, Dave. Is there a problem? DAVE --- A problem. Yes, theres a problem. Youre way over your credit limit. Thats the problem. ELIJAH - Im sorry, it couldnt be helped. DAVE --- Oh, then it WAS you who ordered all that fire and brimstone? ELIJAH - Why, yes, of course. DAVE --- Oh, rats! ELIJAH - Whats the matter? DAVE --- I had a bet with Morty, here, that it wasnt you who ordered all that fire and brimstone. I bet him that someone stole your charge card and maxed out your account without your knowledge. ELIJAH - No. I ordered the fire and brimstone. DAVE --- Wow. Thats a lot of fire and brimstone. Lets see, I figure that at 12,000 BTUs per person, you had to wipe out, what, 100 guys with all that fire and brimstone? ELIJAH - 102 to be precise. DAVE --- Wow! What did they do to you? ELIJAH - Well, its a long story. I... DAVE --- (flips pages on clipboard) Hey, were still on page one of the script. If you keep your explanation under two minutes, nobodys going to complain. ELIJAH - Well, it has to do with King Ahaziah. DAVE --- Oh, yes, one of them obscure kings in the Bible at the end of the book of first Kings. ELIJAH - Ahaziah, was the son of King Ahab and Jezebel, and he became king of Israel. But he worshiped Baal, which ticked off the Lord. So, when Ahaziah injured himself in a fall, I prophecied that he would not recover from his injuries and die in his bed. DAVE --- So, when you left the palace, he sent some troops out to bring you back and take back your prophecy. ELIJAH - How did you know? DAVE --- Its right here in the script. Page two. ELIJAH - Oh. DAVE --- Well, listen, I dont want to steal your thunder. Tell me about the fire and brimstone. ELIJAH - Well, like you said, King Ahaziah sent a captain and his company of 50 soldiers to bring me back to the palace. DAVE --- Then, WOOOM! You let them have it with 850 shekels worth of fire and brimstone. ELIJAH - Burned up the Captain and all 50 of his soldiers, (snaps fingers), just like that. DAVE --- Thats because of the secret ingredient in the brimstone. Works every time. (giggles) ELIJAH - So, King Ahaziah sent another captain and another company of 50 soldiers. The Captain insisted that I go back to the palace with him. He said that the kings injuries had not healed at all, and that Id be in big trouble if I didnt take back the prophecy. DAVE --- Then WOOOM! You let them have it with another 850 shekels worth of fire and brimstone. ELIJAH - I didnt realize the stuff was that expensive. DAVE --- Its the foreign oil. The price of crude is way up. But, please continue with your story. It says here in my script that King Ahaziah sent ANOTHER captain and ANOTHER 50 soldiers to bring you back. ELIJAH - Thats right. DAVE --- (flips pages) But I dont have an invoice for another 850 shekels. So, how did you zap them? With lightning? ELIJAH - No. The captain demonstrated a fear of the Lord, so I went back to the palace with him. DAVE --- Thats taking a big chance, isnt it, Elijah? ELIJAH - Not at all. I knew what was going to happen. DAVE --- Because you looked ahead to page three of the script? ELIJAH - No. Im a prophet of God. I know the future. I went back to the palace. But instead of taking back my prophecy, I repeated the prophecy that King Ahaziah would die in his bed. DAVE --- What happened? ELIJAH - He died instantly. DAVE --- Wo! Well, I guess he had it coming. ELIJAH - Thats right. DAVE --- So, Elijah, baby. Are you going to look into the future and tell me when youre going to pay this bill for 1700 shekels? ELIJAH - Well, Im looking into the future and the only thing I see is I get taken up to heaven by a firey chariot in second Kings chapter 2. DAVE --- Hey, wait a minute. You mean youre skipping town? Whos gonna pay for all that fire and brimstone? ELIJAH - Read ahead in the script. Maybe youll find the answer there. (lowers phone, exits) DAVE --- (flips pages) Hey, wait a minute. The script ends as soon as you hang up the... Hello? Hello? Oh, man! (shrugs, exits)
Posted on: Sun, 10 Nov 2013 16:01:20 +0000
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